Temperate Fortitude

The NaPro doctor wanted me to get a sleep study done.  Evidently, at the last NaPro conference, sleep was a big topic because it can be the root cause of hormone imbalance.   I thought it would be a complete waste of time.  After all, I'm exhausted all the time and I sleep like a rock.  Or, so I thought.  The sleep study found that I wake up many times during the night, but go right back to sleep.  Dr. M, a doctor in my hometown who ordered the sleep study, put me on Lunesta and had me fill out a sleep journal.  After a month, I thought the Lunesta was helping me sleep a bit, but I was still exhausted.  Then, I really looked at the sleep journal.  And even before I had my followup, it was glaringly obvious that I wasn't getting enough sleep.

When I met with Dr. M she agreed that I'm not getting enough sleep and wants me to go to Cognitive Behavior Therapy for sleep.  It's about four sessions long and it uncovers attitudes about sleep and how to bring them into line with what is healthy.  I'm about to start an anger management program with my catholic therapist so I'll do the sleep one in several months.  I've been wanting to start the anger management program for a few months and I think it's more urgently needed.  Honestly, I'm not angry a whole lot but, I'm finding that I have ZERO coping skills for the little that I am angry so it adds up to a problem.

In the meantime, the changes I've made regarding sleep are:
1)  Laying in bed from 9:30-10 p.m.  (even if I'm not done with work or chores)
2)  Lights out at 10:00 p.m. (even if I'm not sleepy)
3)  Alarm goes off at 6:00 a.m.
4)  2mg of Lunesta

This is just one more step on my 'letting go' journey.  It started 3 years ago when I had my adrenals tested and my doctor said they were the worst she's seen in 17 years.  My cortisol was sky high, but my DHEAs were totally adapted.  I felt like complete crap.  A different kind of crap than I feel now.  Then, it was a shaky, panicky, heart racing crap.  Now it's just a exhausted, how-am-I-going-to-get-through-the-day crap.  Three years ago, I was running around like with a chicken with my head chopped off.  I had tons of energy from being gluten-free and I had no idea how to handle it.  I was also coming off of a year of my mom having brain cancer.   I completely overworked myself at home and at school.   So, I started a year of rest where I completely rested one day of the week and I really rested for two summers.   I also made lots of changes to my attitude and habits regarding work.  Teaching is a job that requires very strong boundaries or it can suck the life out of you. Boundaries are not my strong suit so the learning curve has been steep.  But, little by little, my work has taken that proper place in my life. *

I've been reading Self- Knowledge and Self-Discipline by B.W. Maturin. In it, he says that the virtues have to be balanced otherwise one will overpower the others.  Fortitude has definitely been dominant in my life.  A lot of it has to do with the fact that I've been tired most of my life so I've had to cultivate fortitude.  However, it's made me even more tired than I was originally.  I forsake temperance and prudence for fortitude.   I thank the good Lord above for putting these doctors in place in my life to help me learn this lesson.  I also pray to God that I can make these changes in enough time to heal my 40 year old body so that I can carry another child. **

* and **-  these paragraphs have so many 'I's that it's hard for me to click publish.  But, instead of practicing fortitude and editing for the next half hour, I am going to be prudent and go to bed for my 9:30-10 p.m. laying session ;)  Please excuse!