Saturday, May 26, 2012

Baring my Ambivalent Soul- please don't judge

First of all, I thought I've been responding to everyone's comments through email and then while I was reading Camp Patton, I realized maybe I wasn't.  So, when it says 'noreply,' in the email address, my email for the comment won't go through?  For all of you who have been leaving comments over the past few months, oops, sorry!   Basically, what I emailed to all of you was, "thank you, god bless you."  I love technology but, I'm not a techie!

We have been on a roller coaster ride over here for the last two months.  There's a lot to process and it could take 5 posts.  I'll start with the latest.

Guitar Man and I went to see Dr. Stalling, the newish Napro surgeon in Peoria.  We both loved her. She sat and listened to our story for over an hour.  She didn't push, she just suggested.  Our next steps will pre peak and post peak blood work to check hormone levels (I'm on progesterone), thyroid check (I'm on T3), semen analysis, ultrasound series, and if all that checks out, a lap to see if there's endo.

Guitar Man had to drag me kicking and screaming to Peoria for this appointment.  I really didn't want to go.  Mostly, it was because I kind of knew what she would suggest and I'm not sure if I'm up for it.  And, I know for sure even if I was up for it, Guitar Man wouldn't be.

I type this hoping you won't judge our marriage or choices.  We are different than most of you.  You are all so freely open and it is such a testament to your faith and willingness to accept church teaching.  We came to all of this late in the game.  I didn't even know about openness to life and vocation and theology of the body until maybe 6 years ago when I was 35.  Then, it took a while for all of  it to sink in.  Guitar Man isn't where I am in all of this either.  And, he thinks he's going to hell for not being open to life when we were younger. That's not going to change his mind about the amount of intervention he's up for.  And even though I'm behind all of you in my spiritual journey, I do know that my marriage comes first and I can't let this tear us apart.

Guitar Man just wants me to be healthy and if a baby results, then great. So, any intervention we would do would be to promote my health.  From my standpoint, I'm not sure if I'm up for an ultrasound series.  It's a 2 hour drive to Peoria so I'd probably have to stay down there for a few days. Then travel for a few days.  That's on top of getting all the blood work done.  There is another person to consider in all this- AJ.  I don't know if I want to drag him to all of this.  Of course a sibling for him would be worth it all and he'd be fine.

The important question is: what is God calling me and Guitar Man to do next?  Right now, I'm very ambivalent about it all.  According to what I've read in The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything, this is a good thing. Lots of prayer and journaling and talking are in order.

I just want to thank you all for your  inspiration and your willingness to share your stories.  I've learned so much about our beautiful faith through your witness.  God Bless you all!

Next up:

Vocation and the whisperings of the Holy Spirit

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Letter Update

I emailed the letter regarding the blessing last week to our priests.  When I didn't hear anything during the week, I was afraid they didn't get the email.  I didn't want to be a pain and email them asking them if they received the original email.  And, this week has been so busy that I haven't had time to deliver a hard copy to the church.  Then.... this afternoon I received a phone call from one of our priests.  He left the kindest message that I will probably keep on the voice mail for FOREVER.  He was reworking the blessing and said that he thought that last year's blessing was outdated and inadequate.  I guess they took it from the book of blessings that was published in the 70s.  He ended the message by saying, " I hope the Lord will bless you in your struggle with the gift of life."

Those words just touched me so much.  Coming from a priest, they were balm for my soul.

Thank you Fr. C!  We love you!  Thank you for opening you heart and hearing our cry!