Sunday, February 26, 2012

Sunday night jitters

Phew!  It's been quite a ride this weekend and my nerves are frazzled to prove it!  I haven't felt this way since the Great Adrenal Fatigue Episode of 2009.

Reason #1:  I spend 9 hours this weekend cleaning out the office I share with my dear friend.  We have shared this office for 12 years and she is taking the year off for medical reasons.  Our classrooms connect through the office and it's been great for our friendship and our professional relationship.  Teaching can be very solitary and sharing an office is very intimate.  Anyway, we have the reputation of having a messy office.  Our classrooms always look neat and orderly because we have a place to stash all the unsightly artifacts that working with children produces.  Our office failed the annual fire inspection.  Ordinarily, I'd be ticked that we have to move filing cabinets and bookcases that have been in place for 12 years and never failed any other inspection.  But, after saying the Serenity Prayer a few thousand times and going to through anger management training and after having been through the most ridiculous changes at school over the last 4 years, I've gotten used to surrender.  Even though I firmly believe there are too many chiefs and not enough indians (so sorry that is so not PC), I've resigned to the fact that I don't want to be a chief and am a lowly indian so I better just buck up and follow the directions.

Reason #2:  I had a cup of coffee this morning.   Haven't had coffee in months and boy, it totally revved me up today.

Reason #3:  Guitar Man told me right before Mass today that he saw an ambulance in front of our neighbors house as he left.  AJ and I go to Mass separately because AJ has RE beforehand.  My neighbors are the most wonderful people and I was so worried.  They are fine- it turns out the ambulance was for another neighbor.  G and L are in their late 70s and they are such wonderful role models to us.  They are immigrants from Germany. They grew up during WWII and came here with nothing.  G actually spent 5 years as a refugee in Norway.  They were housed in a prison (can you imagine?) and thought their father was dead.  The Red Cross reunited them and they moved here.  Anyway, they are just a delight and I am so thankful to God that they are healthy tonight.

Reason #4:  God, in His infinite mercy, gave me a surprising gift this weekend.  No, I'm not pregnant.  It's a gift I never knew I needed and am totally unworthy of receiving.  He affirmed me, He validated me, He used an outward sign to show His love.  It's a whole post in and of itself because it's complicated and layered and personal.  I've never done well with affirmation or validation.  So.  I'm just trying to let it sink in past the coffee jitters and speak to my soul.

May God Bless you tonight.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Infertile at 40

What does that even mean?  Does it mean I'm just experiencing the normal decline of fertility?  Or does it mean   that there is more going on like hormone imbalance, structural issues, endo, chronic infection etc.?

For the two years we've been actively trying to become pregnant, I've also been battling chronic fatigue.  When I first started charting Creighton, it was to become pregnant.  Then, after realizing how exhausted I was, the main priority of treatment with Napro was to fix the fatigue.  Through progesterone supplementation, T3 and dietary changes, the fatigue has lifted.  The questionnaire they have me fill out asks to give a percentage of how normal you feel.  I'm at 95%.

Now that I'm feeling better, I feel the priority shifting to becoming pregnant.  And as the months go by, my anxiety increases.  And honestly, because of my age, the hope decreases each cycle.  I'm not sure what the next step for us will be.  We went into this without wanting tons of intervention.  I don't believe God is calling me to go all out to have another baby.   By all out, I mean more meds, ultrasounds, lots more blood work, etc.  It would put too much strain on our family that has been strained by my fatigue for years.  I'm not saying that lightly- this is after much prayer and discernment.  Of course, I can't read the mind of God.  But, it's the current conclusion I've reached after contemplating the desires He's placed in the my heart and the duties He's placed in my life.  It could change next month.  Can you tell I've been reading Abandonment to Divine Providence?  Ha ha!!

I'll be emailing my chart to Peoria on the next CD1 which, by the state of my chin (2 zits- yes, zits at 40!) and sore boobs, will be in a little less than a week.  I'll probably visit the surgeon to see about a lap.  I would consider the lap because the doc said if I do have endo, it's important to remove it for general health reasons, not just to increase fertility.  But, other than that, I think I'm at the end of the Napro road.

I'm sad about the fact that I probably won't have another baby.  I'm losing hope that I'll ever be pregnant.  I'm increasingly anxious during the 2WW.  I didn't even chart this month after my period ended.  I had horrible CM  too.  We've been trying for 2 years.  But, I've been waiting for 10 years to have another baby.  Those eight years of waiting for my husband to be open to another child taught me how to handle this time.  It's not pretty.  It's not easy.  But, it is led by God with the knowledge that His peace is around the corner if I keep a grateful and humble heart.