Infertile at 40

What does that even mean?  Does it mean I'm just experiencing the normal decline of fertility?  Or does it mean   that there is more going on like hormone imbalance, structural issues, endo, chronic infection etc.?

For the two years we've been actively trying to become pregnant, I've also been battling chronic fatigue.  When I first started charting Creighton, it was to become pregnant.  Then, after realizing how exhausted I was, the main priority of treatment with Napro was to fix the fatigue.  Through progesterone supplementation, T3 and dietary changes, the fatigue has lifted.  The questionnaire they have me fill out asks to give a percentage of how normal you feel.  I'm at 95%.

Now that I'm feeling better, I feel the priority shifting to becoming pregnant.  And as the months go by, my anxiety increases.  And honestly, because of my age, the hope decreases each cycle.  I'm not sure what the next step for us will be.  We went into this without wanting tons of intervention.  I don't believe God is calling me to go all out to have another baby.   By all out, I mean more meds, ultrasounds, lots more blood work, etc.  It would put too much strain on our family that has been strained by my fatigue for years.  I'm not saying that lightly- this is after much prayer and discernment.  Of course, I can't read the mind of God.  But, it's the current conclusion I've reached after contemplating the desires He's placed in the my heart and the duties He's placed in my life.  It could change next month.  Can you tell I've been reading Abandonment to Divine Providence?  Ha ha!!

I'll be emailing my chart to Peoria on the next CD1 which, by the state of my chin (2 zits- yes, zits at 40!) and sore boobs, will be in a little less than a week.  I'll probably visit the surgeon to see about a lap.  I would consider the lap because the doc said if I do have endo, it's important to remove it for general health reasons, not just to increase fertility.  But, other than that, I think I'm at the end of the Napro road.

I'm sad about the fact that I probably won't have another baby.  I'm losing hope that I'll ever be pregnant.  I'm increasingly anxious during the 2WW.  I didn't even chart this month after my period ended.  I had horrible CM  too.  We've been trying for 2 years.  But, I've been waiting for 10 years to have another baby.  Those eight years of waiting for my husband to be open to another child taught me how to handle this time.  It's not pretty.  It's not easy.  But, it is led by God with the knowledge that His peace is around the corner if I keep a grateful and humble heart.