Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Hormonal Pilgrim

Beware: Poorly written, let-it-all-hang-out blog post ahead.  Way to many 'I's. Read at your own risk.

Ladies- the past 3 months have been a hormonal roller-coaster hell.  I did HCG for 3 months and it gave me anxiety.  At least I'm almost positive it did.  Evidently, I'm the only person my doctor knows of who has this side effect.  Since I stopped,  not one horrible heart palpitation, not one day of a knotted up stomach, not one day of deep breathing to no avail.  Then a month without any meds ended in a total fatigue nightmare.  I crashed about three weeks ago in the middle of the last few weeks of school- horrible timing.  I crawled across the finish line that was the school year.   Last week, I was post-peak and called the doc and they gave me plain old progesterone which is what I was on before the HCG.  After a week of incrementally feeling better, I'd say I'm functioning at 90%.  I am not sure what my future holds with these meds.  Peak +7 bloodwork?  Taking a different route with a nurse practitioner in town that said she'd work with me?  A serious email to Sew?  Who the heck knows.  The last few months were a good reminder of 2 things:

1- So much of life is circumstance (see number 6).  If I had to function at any length of time with how I felt, I couldn't do my job.  The brain fog was constant and severe.  I walked around like a zombie not able to concentrate, prioritize or enjoy.  My anxiety and subsequent fatigue effected my marriage, my friendships, my prayer life, my housekeeping, etc.  Note to self: don't judge others- you just don't know their particular circumstances and don't be so hard on yourself- your circumstances are sometimes such that you can't DO IT ALL.

2- Thank you, God for Napro and the fact that I can make one phone call and a healing prescription is immediately ready at the local pharmacy and it's covered by good health insurance.  I am indebted to Dr. Hilgers and all the ladies who have already gone down this path.  Ripple effect?  I think so!!  Praise Jesus!!!!!

I'll have to make those decisions in a few weeks because......

We are going to Europe!!!!!!

And we are going to Pope Francis' audience next Wednesday!!!!!!!!

After two years of saving and making the tough decision to forego some much needed cosmetic home repairs because of increased airfares, we are going.  My very close friend moved to Germany last year.  She also has an only child the same age as AJ.  God's perfect timing has worked out a dream trip wherein we drive all together in a VW van through Italy to Slovenia, Guitar Man's family homeland.  I say God's perfect timing for many reasons.  One, our friends aren't believers and the fact that they wanted to go with us to Rome and are attending the audience with us is very moving.  Two, my hubs is very much an introvert and I never thought this type of trip was ever in the cards for us.  He's beyond excited and he's worked very hard to save money for this experience.  Three, my cousin is in Tuscany the exact time we are driving through the region.  I only have 3 cousins on this planet and one of the beloved three is staying in a freaking villa on our route through Italy.  You guys, this kind of stuff doesn't happen to me.  We are staying with her for a night and touring Florence together.  I haven't seen her in 3 years and she's gone through some rough times and I can't wait to chat with her face to face and give her lots of hugs.

I'm going to say it.  I haven't said it to anyone.  But, I think it all the time as I pack and shop and talk about the trip to friends.  You are safe and you will understand.

I would give up this trip in a heartbeat if it meant I could have a baby.

There I said it.  It's the elephant in the room and we can look at it and acknowledge it.

Then I think, we could have used the money to save for an adoption or treatment.  What do I do with that?  All I can say is that we are making the best of the gifts God has given us.  I'm not feeling called right now to adoption.  I can barely manage the treatment we do now much less more tests and procedures.

So, this is the plan.

I am going to soak up this trip.  The friends.  The family. The pilgrimage. The beauty.  I am going to live in a state of thankfulness.  After the toil of the school year, the anxiety, the fatigue, the longing for another baby, He has given me a beautiful gift all wrapped up with friends and family and fun.  I certainly don't deserve it based on all my whining and complaining.  This is the gift God gave me and it's not second rate.  It's perfect.  He knows just what I need and I trust Him.

It is my hope that I return rested and restored so that there is less of me and more of Christ.

All of you will be in my prayers during our trip, especially at the Holy Father's audience.

Love to all of you.