Learned my lesson...

I just assumed.  I assumed that I didn't have to send the letter this year since we have the same pastoral staff as last year. Unfortunately, the blessing was off the cuff by the priest and all the mothers had to stand and it was the standard 'all mothers are a gift blah, blah, blah.'  I was pissed and my face showed it.  How can a church so open to life, so easily marginalize those in pain?  Thank God the homily was about how we are Jesus' arms and legs.  And, if we are wondering why someone doesn't do something about a wrong, that's probably God prompting US to do something about it.  Of course the priest didn't mean any harm.  Of course mothers are a gift- a beautiful gift.  It's just a reminder that I have to keep an open dialogue with my priests.  My anger melted into prayer...a prayer for all of you in pain today.

Next year, I will send the dang letter...

Today

On this St. Joseph's Day, the day our new Holy Father was inaugurated, I turned 42 years old.  His love of the poor has given me strength as I live and work among the poor.  His example has taken some fear, some shame away.  Thank you Pope Francis for being an inspiration and sharing your simple, yet orthodox spirituality with us.

God Bless Pope Francis!

Freak

I am a freak for Jesus.

Why else would I subject myself to conversations that defend the church's teaching on contraception and ART while I can't conceive another child?

Conversations that are so difficult to have because the topics, words and vocabulary I use are so very foreign to the listener.

I look like a complete freak.

I get the feeling that the people I speak with (which are only a few) feel sorry for me because they perceive me as a sucker for belonging to an oppressive church.

Then, I think of the Litany of Humility.

And, the Sorrowful Mysteries- particularly the crowning of thorns.  Jesus gave me a supreme example of how to love and suffer and be humiliated.

Then I think of all of you.  And, I know I'm not alone.

Do you ever feel like this?

Thanks for having my back.

Being a Catholic Work-Outside-the-Home Mom is not a Second Rate Life (Neither is a life being a Work-at-Home Mom or a Single Person or a Widow or .... you get the picture?)

When we reverted to the church in 2000, I had only a vague notion of the Church teachings on birth control, had never even heard of the Theology of the Body and had no idea that there were happy, large Catholic families, much less homeschooling families.  After reverting and having a child, I started learning about our faith through different media.  Relevant Radio and different Catholic blogs became my Catholic community.  Somehow, I started to believe that the ideal Catholic family was large and homeschooling or at least sent their child to a Catholic school.  My family certainly didn't match the ideal.  So, how was I going to reconcile this supposed contradiction?  I started by believing that my husband and I were doing something wrong.   I looked around at my life and saw the fruits and they were rotten.  The mess. The disorganization.  The fatigue.  This was indicative of my poor choices.

 But, there was always this confusion because I believed I had followed God's path for my life.  Even if I wasn't always connected to the Church, I was always very connected to Him (more precisely, He was connected with me).  Always talking to Him.  Always listening.  And, one day, as I was opening up my apartment door, He gave me an overwhelming, palpable peace about the decision to marry the man I married.   And, when that man asked me if I wanted to quit my job to stay home with our baby and I said, "No," that "No" came from my heart and He was written all over my heart.  Both of these decisions were like stepping off of a cliff because they meant my life would be hard.  Marrying an artist/philosopher and being a work-outside-the-home mommy is hard (I say this with full knowledge that many of us have hard lives- just hard in different ways) .  But, the decision was very, very clear. 

I ended up in a fight with myself.  I was living this life that wasn't ideal.  I believed that because I was on the wrong path to begin with as far as following the teachings of the Church, that somehow, those decisions resulted in my current life being second-rate.  In the deepest part of my heart, I believed that if I knew all of these teachings 20 years ago, I would have a brood of children and would be homeschooling in a large, beautiful home.  But, God gave me this second-rate life.  It didn't make any sense since I followed what I thought to be what he wanted me to do along the way.  Enter, Mary, Untier of Knots.  She sent my Catholic therapist and the chapter on Mistaken Beliefs in The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne.  The big question Bourne has you ask in challenging your beliefs is:

Is that always true?  

So I put this belief to the test: The ideal Catholic family is large and the mommy stays home to care for the children.  And, if you are in line with God's teaching, you will end up with this life.  

Is this always true?  

No. It's not.  

There are tons of examples to choose from.  Priests and Nuns.  Many saints. Widows. Sick mothers. Single women. Infertile and subfertile women. All the women throughout the centuries who died young leaving children behind.  Refugees.  Women in abject poverty.  Illiterate women.  The list could go on and on.

Did I believe their lives were second rate?  Absolutely not.

So what really makes a life ideal?  

Real Gospel Living.  Listening to Jesus' words instead of the world's.
Being open to God's will whatever that means.
Trusting without knowing why.
Being kind and not judging another's path.
Loving others through your questions and pain.
Understanding that His yoke is easy and His burden is light because you are right where you need to be.  You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other in faith.  And, you can rest when the day is done.
Modeling your life after the prodigal son's father.
Accepting that He has left you His peace.
Know that you are commanded not to worry.  
BE NOT AFRAID!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus never said that if you follow his teaching you will be healthy and prosperous.  He never said your house will be clean and organized.  His fruits aren't material.  His fruits are spiritual.  And, boy oh boy, I had gone down the wrong path.  I was so good at listening to the Holy Spirit, but I was horrible at listening to the Evil One.  He was whispering right along with the Good One and I was buying his lies. Hook, line and sinker.  The battle is on sucker!!!!

The words you are reading in this post took me months to process.  I just recently made up with myself.  I am not going to apologize for my life or be embarrassed by it or be ashamed of it or AFRAID of it.  He gave it to me.  The crosses in it are perfect for me as well as the joys.

Dear Jesus, help me remember the gifts you give me are uniquely mine.  So are the crosses.  And the gifts and crosses you give others are made just for them.  Help me to love as you did and to always look to You as my Lord.  Help me love others without idolizing them.  I love you.

Please note:  Since I am not a professional writer and am limited in my ability to communicate super effectively through words, I just want to add that this post is in no way written with a bitter heart toward large, homeschooling families.  I love large, homeschooling families and they inspire me to no end. This post is entirely my thought process in trying to deal with not comparing my life to any others.  We aren't supposed to compare and judge.  But, how do we do that?  This is how I am coping.  I've benefited so much from reading the blogs of mom's of large families.  This post is about how I've rooted out some poor thinking habits on my end.  Please excuse my limits and the limits of this medium if in anyway it sounds bitter or unloving.  

Quick Takes- Updates

-1-

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year friends!  Our holiday was festive, fun and full of illness.  I'm pretty sure I brought the flu home.  I coughed for 3 weeks and for several days was on the couch achy and my skin felt so, so sensitive.  Does that ever happen to you?  I ended up on antibiotics for bronchitis and my asthma became tricky to manage.  I ended up working for 5 minutes and resting for 15.  All day.  For 4 days.  It kept the house running and kept me from going stir-crazy.  AJ had an ear infection, 2 rounds of strep and a head cold.  He's been sick for about a month on and off.  

Our handcrafted use-what-is-around-the-house advent wreath

-2-

The big one though was my mom.  She's better and home now, but on Monday, I got a call at work from my sister saying my mom was being taken by ambulance to the hospital.  She was unresponsive when they were trying to wake her that morning.  Long story short, she had become severely dehydrated from having the flu and pneumonia.  She was in the hospital all week, but now is at home. Since she's on chemotherapy, the flu hit her very quickly.  She was only sick for about 12 hours before she became unresponsive.  The good news is that she recovered as quickly as she went down.  It's been a long week full of lots of ups and downs.    They had 2 neon green signs in her room that read: Chemotherapy- Handle Carefully.  They were strangely comforting.  

Mom, on right,  with her sister who is also a breast cancer survivor

-3-

What I'm thankful for:

good medical insurance and sick leave

-4-

Two people who are included everyday in my prayers to St. Jude for a healthy pregnancy are pregnant!  One is the friend who had the miscarriage last spring so the news is (so hard to describe accurately) complicated.   Hard to parse out the sadness, grief, joy and fear.  But, joy, is at the forefront.  Definitely.  

-5-

I don't think I've mentioned that my sister moved to Brazil with her family this summer.  She lives in Seattle so having her in Brazil is much the same as far as the schedule of seeing her.  Actually, we've seen lots of her since she moved.  They came in October and again for 5 weeks in December.  It's been blissful having her here with her two girls.  We have a great relationship and she helps so much with my parents.  My parents don't really need much physical help.  But, they need cheerleaders and it's nice to have a partner.  

-6-

Also, one of my closest friends moved to Germany this summer.  She was also in visiting so I got to see both of my besties this holiday. 

-7-

After the shock of having Fr. James Martin comment on my last blog post (!!!!!!!!!!!!), I never returned to reviewing his wonderful book.  I will pick it back up though...I hear it calling.  

God is Good!

The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything by James Martin- Chapter 1

Hello all!  So much for a post every few days- ha! AJ has some nasty virus that has dogged him for three weeks.  I haven't been able to do anything extra since I'm taking days off here and there, visiting doctors and just generally trying to catch him up in school.  He's still sick so another trip to the doctor is in order tomorrow.   Anyway...onto the book!

I'm going to just quickly outline each chapter with little detail.  Then, I'm going to give a short personal reflection.  Please feel free to share right along!  I'm hoping that by outlining each chapter, the material will be more accessible in my working memory.  At the very least, I have a reference in case I want to return to the material.  

Here goes.  

Chapter 1

What is a spirituality? 

• How you live in relationship with God
• Christian spirituality believes Jesus is the Son of God
• emphasis on love and charity
• Spirituality is like a bridge 
• All bridges do the same thing-they get you over rough terrain to a desired place
• Different bridges serve different purposes and have distinct advantages and disadvantages
• All spiritualities provide passage to God in different way
• Each religious order has 'family traditions' and a charism that reflects how they relate to God
• Hallmarks of Ignatian spirituality
• Finding God in all things
• your whole life is related to spirituality
• spirituality isn't compartmentalized to a section of your life
• Nothing has to be hidden away or feared
• Ignatian spirituality guides you in finding God in all dimensions of your life
• Contemplatives in action
• prayer is important, but Jesuits are active with their spirituality
• use a contemplative stance to inform actions
• Incarnational spirituality
• God can be found in the everyday events of our lives
• Ignatian spirituality acknowledges the transcendence of God, but also realized the nearness of God
• Freedom and detachment
• identifying 'disordered affections'- they are what keep us from really being free
• wealth, power, status, etc can become disordered affections
• a disordered affection is anything that isn't life-giving
• The Life of Ignatius Loyola
• Born 1491, Basque, Spain
• became a soldier, vain personality
• 1521 leg shattered in battle
• While he was recuperating, his sister-in-law gave him a book on the saints
• He had nothing else to read- he became fascinated with the saints and wondered if he could emulate them (Martin describes the fact that Ignatius went about the spiritual life in a prideful way.  But, really, God "writes straight with crooked lines" and used his pride for good)
• He began a year of severe austerity
• After many false starts, he decided to get an education at the University of Paris
• It was in Paris that he and 6 friends joined together in a vow of poverty. 
• They tried to petition the Pope to start a new order.  But, many were suspicious of the practice of being a contemplative in action.  Ignatius was even thrown in jail by the Inquisition for 17 days. 
• 1537- ordained a priest
• 1540- Society of Jesus was approved by Pope Paul III
• Ignatius spent the rest of his days administering the Jesuits, writing the Constitutions and the Spiritual Exercises
• Died 1556
• Constitutions
• How to live your life with others
• Rules of the order
• Spiritual Exercises
• How to live your life
• 4 week retreat- all Jesuits make this retreat
• Can be condensed and adapted for lay people

Reflection

Okay- that was longer than I thought it would be!  I love the metaphor of spirituality being like a bridge.  It's so encompassing and forgiving.  It's the best way I've read so far of describing spirituality.  When I read the 4 main principles of Ignatian spirituality, I was immediately drawn to them.  Besides the freedom and detachment, I have a natural orientation toward this spirituality.  And, I crave freedom and detachment, it's just not natural for me.  

Okay, I am falling asleep.  Please excuse the lame reflection.  If I think of more, I'll add to it in the next few days.  

Sunday Quick Takes

1. Thanks so much for your help with the HCG fear and questions.  I was able to inject myself three times- I was supposed to do it four, but I skipped the first dose.  I watched a few youtube videos on intramuscular injections.  Of course, they were done by women doing IVF and surrogacy- yikes.  I was able to do it in my rear and hubby watched the first one.  It was a breeze and didn't hurt one bit.  Anyway, the first dose was supposed to be on the day before Thanksgiving.  Since we were hosting, I was afraid of side effects so I skipped the dose.  I'm a rebel.  Actually, I feel slightly better on the HCG.  My skin is clear!  Very tender breasts still.  I can't find much info about long term side effects of this drug.  That's my next task.

2.  Today I've been sort of weepy which is very unusual for me.  Has that happened to anyone on HCG?  It could be because I'm in a very, very good place in my life.  I feel good.  I am untying my thoughts which has given me a huge spiritual lift.  I am actually enjoying my life.  Yesterday was a wonderful day and I think I might just be crying tears of joy and thanksgiving.

3. I want to to a series of posts on being a catholic wife and mother who works outside the home.  There have been several bloggers that have broached this subject either because they find themselves in the situation where they have to work or because they have a strong opinion one way or another.  Maybe after Advent because...

4.  I didn't get signed up for prayer buddies in enough time.  I'm bummed, but I'm going to do something in it's place.  St. Roque Gonzalez de Santa Cruz was my patron saint for 2012.  His name is on a post it note on my computer.  It's ripped and tattered.  I read about him when he was assigned to me by the saint generator.  Then, I forgot about him.  Or, more precisely, I didn't pay attention to him.

5.  He was a missionary Jesuit and the first saint born in the Americas.  I have often found peace in my struggles being a working mom by comparing my family to missionaries and big homeschooling families to monasteries.  If we are a domestic church, that is precisely what we are.  We are definitely out in the world hopefully converting others by our living out of the gospel.  So, as I prepare for the birth of our Savior, I am going to be praying in earnest to St. Gonzalez for all of you.

6. And, in honor of St. Gonzalez's religious order, I'm going to do a book series on The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything by James Martin.  It's fourteen chapters long so I'll do a chapter every other day or so.  I loved the book when I read it a few years ago.  But, I read it quickly and it was when I was all foggy.

7.  Praying for all of you tonight as I put up our tree and clean up the house a bit.  Our day of rest and relaxation and fun was yesterday ;)