Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Saying Goodbye to a Dream

For the past few years I've been giving up another dream besides having another child.

It's my dream of being a classroom teacher.

It's so hard to type these words because they've only been in my mind- racing incessantly round and round.  I've spoken them only to a few very trusted people.  Thought them and spoken them so much that now I'm ready to make them a bit more real by putting them in writing.

Right now,  I am following my dream of being a classroom teacher.  That is what I do and what I am.  And, I love it.  I work in a beautiful school with beautiful children and beautiful families and beautiful colleagues.


It's just not working anymore and it will only get harder.

The system I worked in used to be good and positive and full of common sense.

It still has many of these aspects because of the people who work so hard each and every day.  But, the federal law and high stakes testing have infiltrated our little district out here in the heartland.

I used to believe in major initiatives and was enthusiastic.

Now my class size is 28.  It used to be 20.  I work in a high poverty area so having 8 more kids is a huge difference.

We are adopting the Common Core Standards which for many reasons, I can't seem to fully embrace.

In 2016, my evaluation will be tied to how my students perform on a test that is linked to these standards.

I want to ramp up and rise to the challenge.  I want to fight.

But, I think God is calling me in a different direction.

He's whispering to me that the fight is not mine to fight.  It's meant for someone else.

He is not being loud and clear like he usually is during tough decisions.

But, I think he wants me to make this decision for myself.  Because I'm strong enough now.  I've died to myself enough that I can see the strength in it.  I still have more dying to do- obviously since this post is all about me, me, me, me.

I'll probably be in my position for another year or two.  I will probably move into a special education resource position.  Still a challenging position, but one with a bit more flexibility and more suited to my God given talents.

I will very, very, very sadly say goodbye.

It was a good run.

The plan was to change jobs if I had a baby.  Now, I'm looking to change anyway which just seems to pour salt in the wound of not being able to get pregnant.

God, help me accept your will and hear your voice among the sadness and grief.  Give me strength to BE NOT AFRAID.  Help me remember that my value is not measured by my position or my marriage or how many children I have.  You love me and want what is best for me.  I love you.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Learned my lesson...

I just assumed.  I assumed that I didn't have to send the letter this year since we have the same pastoral staff as last year. Unfortunately, the blessing was off the cuff by the priest and all the mothers had to stand and it was the standard 'all mothers are a gift blah, blah, blah.'  I was pissed and my face showed it.  How can a church so open to life, so easily marginalize those in pain?  Thank God the homily was about how we are Jesus' arms and legs.  And, if we are wondering why someone doesn't do something about a wrong, that's probably God prompting US to do something about it.  Of course the priest didn't mean any harm.  Of course mothers are a gift- a beautiful gift.  It's just a reminder that I have to keep an open dialogue with my priests.  My anger melted into prayer...a prayer for all of you in pain today.

Next year, I will send the dang letter...