Sunday Quick Takes

1. Thanks so much for your help with the HCG fear and questions.  I was able to inject myself three times- I was supposed to do it four, but I skipped the first dose.  I watched a few youtube videos on intramuscular injections.  Of course, they were done by women doing IVF and surrogacy- yikes.  I was able to do it in my rear and hubby watched the first one.  It was a breeze and didn't hurt one bit.  Anyway, the first dose was supposed to be on the day before Thanksgiving.  Since we were hosting, I was afraid of side effects so I skipped the dose.  I'm a rebel.  Actually, I feel slightly better on the HCG.  My skin is clear!  Very tender breasts still.  I can't find much info about long term side effects of this drug.  That's my next task.

2.  Today I've been sort of weepy which is very unusual for me.  Has that happened to anyone on HCG?  It could be because I'm in a very, very good place in my life.  I feel good.  I am untying my thoughts which has given me a huge spiritual lift.  I am actually enjoying my life.  Yesterday was a wonderful day and I think I might just be crying tears of joy and thanksgiving.

3. I want to to a series of posts on being a catholic wife and mother who works outside the home.  There have been several bloggers that have broached this subject either because they find themselves in the situation where they have to work or because they have a strong opinion one way or another.  Maybe after Advent because...

4.  I didn't get signed up for prayer buddies in enough time.  I'm bummed, but I'm going to do something in it's place.  St. Roque Gonzalez de Santa Cruz was my patron saint for 2012.  His name is on a post it note on my computer.  It's ripped and tattered.  I read about him when he was assigned to me by the saint generator.  Then, I forgot about him.  Or, more precisely, I didn't pay attention to him.

5.  He was a missionary Jesuit and the first saint born in the Americas.  I have often found peace in my struggles being a working mom by comparing my family to missionaries and big homeschooling families to monasteries.  If we are a domestic church, that is precisely what we are.  We are definitely out in the world hopefully converting others by our living out of the gospel.  So, as I prepare for the birth of our Savior, I am going to be praying in earnest to St. Gonzalez for all of you.

6. And, in honor of St. Gonzalez's religious order, I'm going to do a book series on The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything by James Martin.  It's fourteen chapters long so I'll do a chapter every other day or so.  I loved the book when I read it a few years ago.  But, I read it quickly and it was when I was all foggy.

7.  Praying for all of you tonight as I put up our tree and clean up the house a bit.  Our day of rest and relaxation and fun was yesterday ;)

HCG

At my last appointment, the doctor suggested HCG.  I'm on progesterone post peak and my last P+7 blood draw looked good.  She's recommending it because I'm getting one or two deep breakouts each cycle and one turned into cellulitis last spring.  Yuck.  And Ouch.  They don't think it's related to the progesterone, but thought we might as well see if this has an effect.  I have a few questions for you ladies...

1)  Are there short and long term side effects of HCG?

2) Any tips on giving the injections?  Does it have to be in the behind?

I've totally put off starting this for two months.  The prescription was sitting at the pharmacy that long.  I'm a little nervous about the injection and the side effects.  I feel so good right now- I don't want to mess it up.  Plus, I really haven't researched this drug at all.  The Napro nurse called me this week to see how it was going (I love that he calls to check in on me...) and I told him I hadn't started.  He told me this might make me feel even better and "it might be just what I need."  I was very clear the last time I was in that at this point,  treatments would be for general health and not fertility related.  That could change, but that's where I am right now.  He gave me a little bit of hope with that last sentence.  I haven't given up hope, but it's been fading over time.  Not fading in a bad way.  Just naturally fading as I enjoy and am thankful for the life God gave me.

Love you guys- praying for you everyday!!

Spoiled

I am happy for anyone who announces a pregnancy.  Anyone.  And I say a silent prayer of thanksgiving for another life on the planet and for a family who is open to it.

But, when it's not one of you guys, one of you who's been waiting for so long; I get a pit in my stomach and think, why can't it be you?  Just once.

I want to quit all the other blogs because I'm not sure if I can take one more.  But, then I'll wonder if I've missed an announcement.  I wonder whose next.  Simcha?  Rachel?  Arwen?

And then I look at my pimply chin and feel my tender breasts and know Aunt Flo is on her merry frickin' way.  I think about the HCG waiting for me at the drug store and I just want to ignore it all.  And pretend my body is normal.

Then I say a prayer for all the women in crisis pregnancies around the world.  Women without access to healthcare. Women in abject poverty with no clean water and no food and no shelter.  Women in refugee camps. Women in war torn regions.  I imagine them and their fear and I bring it to the Lord.  I do it to help give me perspective.  It's my sincere hope that God uses my selfishness to bring relief in some small way to them.

I've been wanting to say this for ages.  Please know that in all of my complaining and aching for another child, I am thankful for the one I have.  I want you to know lest you think I'm a spoiled brat for wanting more.  I know I'm spoiled.  I want you to know I know.

Thoughts on The Proverbs 31 woman

****Please excuse the formatting of this post. Once I cut and pasted from the USCCB website, the formatting went bonkers and I don't know how to fix it!

This is totally off the cuff- no google searches (okay, maybe one to see all kinds of blogs, programs, books dedicated to her- I promise that I didn't click on any of them), no books, no talks.  This is just where I'm at in my journey putting together what I've read and heard.

Before you even start you might want to do some relaxation here:

And get a pep talk about perfectionism here:

I've listened to Brene Brown's talks on youtube countless times this Fall.  There are about 4 longer ones that I've found.  Thanks Elizabeth Esther!  Anyway, Brene Brown is light, she's funny and her perspective is very interesting.  I'm sure some of her stuff wouldn't jive philosophically with our Church.  It's definitely secular.  But, she's helped me understand part of what to do with the 'in-between.'  How do you live in the in-between of what you want and what your life actually is?  She's helping me untie my thoughts and not be so ashamed of the life God has blessed me with.

First lets look at her (from USCCB website):

The words of Lemuel, king of Massa. The advice which his mother gave him:

What, my son, my first-born! what, O son of my womb; what, O son of my vows!

Give not your vigor to women, nor your strength to those who ruin kings.

It is not for kings, O Lemuel, not for kings to drink wine; strong drink is not for princes!

Lest in drinking they forget what the law decrees, and violate the rights of all who are in need.

Give strong drink to one who is perishing, and wine to the sorely depressed;

When they drink, they will forget their misery, and think no more of their burdens.

Open your mouth in behalf of the dumb, and for the rights of the destitute;

Open your mouth, decree what is just, defend the needy and the poor!

When one finds a worthy wife, her value is far beyond pearls.

Her husband, entrusting his heart to her, has an unfailing prize.

She brings him good, and not evil, all the days of her life.

She obtains wool and flax and makes cloth with skillful hands.

Like merchant ships, she secures her provisions from afar.

She rises while it is still night, and distributes food to her household.

She picks out a field to purchase; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She is girt about with strength, and sturdy are her arms.

She enjoys the success of her dealings; at night her lamp is undimmed.

She puts her hands to the distaff, and her fingers ply the spindle.

She reaches out her hands to the poor, and extends her arms to the needy.

She fears not the snow for her household; all her charges are doubly clothed.

She makes her own coverlets; fine linen and purple are her clothing.

Her husband is prominent at the city gates as he sits with the elders of the land.

She makes garments and sells them, and stocks the merchants with belts.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs at the days to come.

She opens her mouth in wisdom, and on her tongue is kindly counsel.

She watches the conduct of her household, and eats not her food in idleness.

Her children rise up and praise her; her husband, too, extols her:

"Many are the women of proven worth, but you have excelled them all."

Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Give her a reward of her labors, and let her works praise her at the city gates.

1.   The whole proverb is advice from a queen mother to her son.  So, this is a woman with means.  She also appears to be healthy both mentally and physically.  Right there, if you have any infirmity  or poverty, you have a different state in life.  You might not have charges or have a prominent husband or have children or be able to obtain wool from afar.  

2.  This is the kind of woman that I am jealous of.  Hate to admit it, but it's true.  I look at their lives and think how easy they are.  But, really, this proverb is saying that it's a good idea for women with means to work all day and not be idle.  It's saying, get your hands dirty, know what's going on, be kind and look out for the poor while you're at it.  

3.  I've highlighted the parts that are related to station in life.  The first part of of the proverb is just a set up so really there are only a few lines that ALL women can relate directly to.

4.  Our savior said this (again from USCCB):

     “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
      for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

      Blessed are they who mourn

      for they will be comforted.

      Blessed are the meek,

      for they will inherit the land.

      Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

      for they will be satisfied.

      Blessed are the merciful,

      for they will be shown mercy.

      Blessed are the clean of heart,

      for they will see God.

      Blessed are the peacemakers,

      for they will be called children of God.

      Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,

      for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

       

5.  Then our savior said this: 

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?....Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil."

We are commanded not to worry!!!  Thank you, Jesus!!

6.  Finally, my favorite: Jesus leaves us his peace.  He wants us to have peace.  He doesn't want us to compare, he wants us to live the life he put us in.  The more I live, the more I believe the Serenity Prayer has all the answers to the main questions in my life.  After saying everyday for several years, it is sinking in:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

I am enough.  My life is enough.  It doesn't have to look like the Proverbs woman.  But, she points the way for my heart: fear the Lord, think about the poor, be kind.  I can take what is important from her and apply it to my life.  But, what's most important is what Jesus said.  Not everyone's life will look like hers.  What do we do then?  We trust.  And we get through day by day.  He sanctifies all of us who can't be the Proverbs woman.  She can still be there and we can look to her.  He makes is okay that we aren't her.  Thank you Jesus for your word, your example, your sacrifice.  I love you.  

Untying Knots

I'm working on 'untying my thoughts' in therapy.  My sweet therapist tells me mine are all bound up too tight.  I've taken seeking truth and not falling into the trap of relativism a bit too far.  It happened when I became serious about my faith.  I am uncovering all kinds of thoughts that I have that I didn't even realize were there. 

Catholic mothers shouldn't work outside the home.

Catholic families should be big. 

God will bless me if I follow the rules. 

I should be just like the Proverbs woman.  

Some of this came from Catholic media and how I interpreted it.  To be clear, I've gained far more than I've lost from Catholic media.  Like I said, these thoughts came from my interpretation of what I was reading and hearing.   However, I've learned that even with Catholic media, I must be cautious.

The best thing I get from Catholic media is the stories.  The blogs.  The stories of real women living out their faith on a daily basis.

It's there that I find women who work outside the home for whatever reason.  It's there that I find families of all sizes.  It's there where I find people who face adversity after adversity and through it all are faithful and loving.  It's there that I find women who strive to be that Proverbs woman, yet share the messes and mistakes of life.

Thank you all for sharing your stories and loosening the knots in my head.

Mary, Undoer of Knots, Pray for us

Words

It's been quiet around here as I try to figure out a way to make this blog a part of my new rhythm.  I've been reading and not commenting and obviously, not posting very much.

I've certainly been praying for all of you.  I pray for your intentions each day that I say a prayer to St. Jude, during consecration and during intentions at Mass.

My home is now organized- ahhhh.  Today, I finally finished the last place that needed to be touched which was the shed.  The house is not beautified, but it's organized and relatively clean.  I did take some before pics and haven't taken any after pics yet. I would never get this post up if I had to do that, too!   I can't tell you how good it feels.  It was quite the mess and took me the better part of this year to complete.  Now, it's on to making it pretty and keeping it organized.

We are in the process of redoing AJs room to make it not a toddler room.  He's actually having a really hard time with the change so I'm not sure how far we are going to get.  It was going to be so cool with all white and black Ikea furniture, wall to wall bookcases, orange paint and a dark gray accent wall.  We have most of the furniture so that's a done deal.  The painter comes Wednesday and we might just paint it the same color it is now which I never liked.  But, it's not my room and if I've learned anything from the last 10 years, it's that I'm not in control and that things might not turn out how I'd like.  And guess what?  The world will not come crashing down.

I've been working through a book called The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook.  While I don't have phobias, I have mild to moderate anxiety.  And, I'm quite sure it could turn into a phobia or phobias if I don't nip it in the bud.  The hardest chapter has been the one on self talk.  I'm identifying what I say to myself in different situations.  And, then, rewriting and relearning new thoughts.  Wow.  It's hard, hard work.  It has 4 main types of negative self talk: the critic, the worrier, the victim, and the perfectionist.  What's interesting is that I have hardly any victim or worrier in my patterns.  It's mostly perfectionist and critic.

What I've learned is that when I give my thoughts words, I turn from a muddled up mess into a somewhat coherent person.  I turn from someone who solely reacts into someone who has a bit of a rudder.  This blog helps give voice to the stray thoughts that run through my rattled brain.  What's more, is that your voices help me find mine.  They give me courage.  They inspire me.  They have healed my physical body.

Thank you for sharing.  I've missed you.  I hope this is a new beginning.

Love,
MFAW

The Eucharist in Target

We pulled out of our driveway on our way to Target.  My mom and me.  Mom and her radiation soaked brain doesn't always know what to say.  She asked me if our 3rd bedroom is just a storage room now.  I respond that it has AJ's stuff from his bedroom in it because we are painting his room.  She doesn't know that we hope to fill it up with another child.  She doesn't know that's why the cradle is still in there housing all the stuffed animals.  She doesn't know that the computer is on a card table because I hope to God that it doesn't become an office.  I can't take down the Noah's Ark wallpaper, not just yet.  Maybe in a couple of years.  She doesn't know.  She stopped asking about another baby when AJ was 5.

I thank God that it's Sunday and we read John 6 at Mass today.  And Jesus lives in me.  He loves me. He has a perfect plan and I trust Him.  What He's given me is enough.  It's an abundance beyond my wildest imagination.

Mom stops to talk to a one year old playing on the huge red ball outside Target.  His mom and dad were probably in their twenties, more than a decade younger than me.  The mommy had a newborn strapped to her chest.  Newborn was 11 days old.  We are inundated at Target with babies, with pregnancies, with newborns.  They are everywhere.  Why can't I be normal and have more babies?  Why? Why? Why?

It is enough.  His lives in me.  He knows what He is doing.  I trust You Jesus.  I can taste the hard bread that was washed down with the tart wine.  Thank You for giving me that sensory experience so that I will remember as I walk through  Target.  Remember that You love me.

We take a short cut through the little girl bedding aisle.  My mom says, "don't you wish you had a little girl."

I am cut open in an aisle in Target in rural Illinois.  But, He's there filling my heart with love, rooting out the bitterness and anger.  I hear him whisper, "I love you, it's okay.  It will all be okay."

What the heck would I do without the gift of the living Jesus?

Thank you Lord for the gift of the Eucharist. I am so weak that I need a tangible reminder every week of Your love, Your sacrifice and Your divine plan.  I need Your dry body and the warmth of Your blood in my mouth.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.