We pulled out of our driveway on our way to Target. My mom and me. Mom and her radiation soaked brain doesn't always know what to say. She asked me if our 3rd bedroom is just a storage room now. I respond that it has AJ's stuff from his bedroom in it because we are painting his room. She doesn't know that we hope to fill it up with another child. She doesn't know that's why the cradle is still in there housing all the stuffed animals. She doesn't know that the computer is on a card table because I hope to God that it doesn't become an office. I can't take down the Noah's Ark wallpaper, not just yet. Maybe in a couple of years. She doesn't know. She stopped asking about another baby when AJ was 5.
I thank God that it's Sunday and we read John 6 at Mass today. And Jesus lives in me. He loves me. He has a perfect plan and I trust Him. What He's given me is enough. It's an abundance beyond my wildest imagination.
Mom stops to talk to a one year old playing on the huge red ball outside Target. His mom and dad were probably in their twenties, more than a decade younger than me. The mommy had a newborn strapped to her chest. Newborn was 11 days old. We are inundated at Target with babies, with pregnancies, with newborns. They are everywhere. Why can't I be normal and have more babies? Why? Why? Why?
It is enough. His lives in me. He knows what He is doing. I trust You Jesus. I can taste the hard bread that was washed down with the tart wine. Thank You for giving me that sensory experience so that I will remember as I walk through Target. Remember that You love me.
We take a short cut through the little girl bedding aisle. My mom says, "don't you wish you had a little girl."
I am cut open in an aisle in Target in rural Illinois. But, He's there filling my heart with love, rooting out the bitterness and anger. I hear him whisper, "I love you, it's okay. It will all be okay."
What the heck would I do without the gift of the living Jesus?
Thank you Lord for the gift of the Eucharist. I am so weak that I need a tangible reminder every week of Your love, Your sacrifice and Your divine plan. I need Your dry body and the warmth of Your blood in my mouth.
Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.
Wow...this reflection was beautiful and I wish I could have remembered that Jesus was with me through those difficult times at stores when all I could see were babies and more babies. I've been told Jesus is lifting us up during those times...it's true...just as you wrote in this post. There's no way I'm going to tell people we might TTC again after this recent surgery. I don't need the questions again. I'm kind of glad most people have moved on.
ReplyDeleteI second Prayful Journey - Wow! I was blown away at what a beautiful reflection and reminder your post is - in the middle of it all, we have Jesus. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteWhat a moving post. It is hard when people don't realize how much you long for a child. People stopped asking us after a time as well. It was such a relief. I make a point of not asking people now about babies, if they are planning on having one or more. Such a long time to wait for a child. You are so faithful. Jesus will indeed sustain you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for the hurt that your mom's comments made you feel, whether she truly knows what she's doing or not, like you said ... it cuts you so deep.
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful that you shared this amazing, AMAZING post. I have never thought of it how you describe: "Thank You for giving me that sensory experience so that I will remember as I walk through Target. Remember that You love me. ... I need Your dry body and the warmth of Your blood in my mouth. "
Your words speak to me so much more than any I've read.
You remain in my prayers.
Amazing post. Amazing reflection.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, there seems to be an abundance of babies at Target. Thank God we don't have them up here, yet. ;)
Btw, our moms should meet. She's always saying insensitive things to me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this beautiful reflection! It is so hard to see all. the. babies. But He is there and it will be okay. Thanks for the reminder!
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautiful... Thank you for sharing it. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI really love this. And you're right, He is so generous. He is all. You're in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, what's the deal with Target?!?
MFAW - I love this entry. Thank you. I can relate with pretty much everything. People have stopped asking me if we will have more children, too. My DS is 5.5. I think a lot of people just think that we don't want anymore children now. I have moved into three different houses since DS was born, and each house had a room for a nursery...and each time we pack up, it kills me to think that no child of mine used that room. But, you're right: God has plans for us, and it is enough, and He is enough. It's still hard, though.
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