I am happy for anyone who announces a pregnancy. Anyone. And I say a silent prayer of thanksgiving for another life on the planet and for a family who is open to it.
But, when it's not one of you guys, one of you who's been waiting for so long; I get a pit in my stomach and think, why can't it be you? Just once.
I want to quit all the other blogs because I'm not sure if I can take one more. But, then I'll wonder if I've missed an announcement. I wonder whose next. Simcha? Rachel? Arwen?
And then I look at my pimply chin and feel my tender breasts and know Aunt Flo is on her merry frickin' way. I think about the HCG waiting for me at the drug store and I just want to ignore it all. And pretend my body is normal.
Then I say a prayer for all the women in crisis pregnancies around the world. Women without access to healthcare. Women in abject poverty with no clean water and no food and no shelter. Women in refugee camps. Women in war torn regions. I imagine them and their fear and I bring it to the Lord. I do it to help give me perspective. It's my sincere hope that God uses my selfishness to bring relief in some small way to them.
I've been wanting to say this for ages. Please know that in all of my complaining and aching for another child, I am thankful for the one I have. I want you to know lest you think I'm a spoiled brat for wanting more. I know I'm spoiled. I want you to know I know.