I am happy for anyone who announces a pregnancy. Anyone. And I say a silent prayer of thanksgiving for another life on the planet and for a family who is open to it.
But, when it's not one of you guys, one of you who's been waiting for so long; I get a pit in my stomach and think, why can't it be you? Just once.
I want to quit all the other blogs because I'm not sure if I can take one more. But, then I'll wonder if I've missed an announcement. I wonder whose next. Simcha? Rachel? Arwen?
And then I look at my pimply chin and feel my tender breasts and know Aunt Flo is on her merry frickin' way. I think about the HCG waiting for me at the drug store and I just want to ignore it all. And pretend my body is normal.
Then I say a prayer for all the women in crisis pregnancies around the world. Women without access to healthcare. Women in abject poverty with no clean water and no food and no shelter. Women in refugee camps. Women in war torn regions. I imagine them and their fear and I bring it to the Lord. I do it to help give me perspective. It's my sincere hope that God uses my selfishness to bring relief in some small way to them.
I've been wanting to say this for ages. Please know that in all of my complaining and aching for another child, I am thankful for the one I have. I want you to know lest you think I'm a spoiled brat for wanting more. I know I'm spoiled. I want you to know I know.
Awww. Sending you hugs.
ReplyDeleteDamn, that's the truth. Always the wanting more, always the shame of ingratitude for the one(s) we do have. It's a daily contradiction, like many aspects of infertility.
ReplyDeleteA couple of years ago a cousin of mine briefly struggled with infertility after her fourth child, and she leaned heavily on me for support. Part of me thought, "Hey, wait a minute. I'd be thrilled to have four! Where do you get off leaning on ME?" But it really doesn't matter how many you have, does it? There isn't a point at which infertility doesn't hurt, there isn't a magic number of children at which point you have no right to grieve any more.
That said, you're right. It is so much worse for some, and we ARE spoiled. I am spoiled. And so grateful. And so so sorry for those who are waiting - or who have given up waiting.
It never gets any "better", does it? I mean, things just change. There's always something to be grateful for, and there's always something to pray for.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful thoughts. Thanks for sharing!
It is hard when you want it so badly to be you who is Pregnant and it never is. I don't know if it gets easier. I still get a lump in my throat & a pit in my stomach initially all the same. But if it is one of my fellow IF gals, it doesn't last long!
ReplyDeleteI agree that I get excited when an IF blogger gets pregnant way more than I do when it's someone that's not had to deal with that. Not because any child is less deserving of joy at their arrival, but because I love when it's over for someone. Pain is pain. I don't think that merely having a pain over a deeply felt void in your life is the same thing as not appreciating what you do have. As long as we remember not to get too caught up in that pain, it's normal and okay to have both the pain of what we lack as well as the joy of what we have!
ReplyDeleteWhen I read this, I hear no hint of selfishness...it is a prayer, and what a beautiful offering to turn it around.
ReplyDeleteI really like this post. I can relate to a lot that you said. And...I love the paragraph on putting things in perspective with remembering women around the world in crisis pregnancies, etc. That is so very loving of you to keep them in prayer. Thank you for your example.
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