Monday, January 21, 2013

Being a Catholic Work-Outside-the-Home Mom is not a Second Rate Life (Neither is a life being a Work-at-Home Mom or a Single Person or a Widow or .... you get the picture?)

When we reverted to the church in 2000, I had only a vague notion of the Church teachings on birth control, had never even heard of the Theology of the Body and had no idea that there were happy, large Catholic families, much less homeschooling families.  After reverting and having a child, I started learning about our faith through different media.  Relevant Radio and different Catholic blogs became my Catholic community.  Somehow, I started to believe that the ideal Catholic family was large and homeschooling or at least sent their child to a Catholic school.  My family certainly didn't match the ideal.  So, how was I going to reconcile this supposed contradiction?  I started by believing that my husband and I were doing something wrong.   I looked around at my life and saw the fruits and they were rotten.  The mess. The disorganization.  The fatigue.  This was indicative of my poor choices.

 But, there was always this confusion because I believed I had followed God's path for my life.  Even if I wasn't always connected to the Church, I was always very connected to Him (more precisely, He was connected with me).  Always talking to Him.  Always listening.  And, one day, as I was opening up my apartment door, He gave me an overwhelming, palpable peace about the decision to marry the man I married.   And, when that man asked me if I wanted to quit my job to stay home with our baby and I said, "No," that "No" came from my heart and He was written all over my heart.  Both of these decisions were like stepping off of a cliff because they meant my life would be hard.  Marrying an artist/philosopher and being a work-outside-the-home mommy is hard (I say this with full knowledge that many of us have hard lives- just hard in different ways) .  But, the decision was very, very clear. 

I ended up in a fight with myself.  I was living this life that wasn't ideal.  I believed that because I was on the wrong path to begin with as far as following the teachings of the Church, that somehow, those decisions resulted in my current life being second-rate.  In the deepest part of my heart, I believed that if I knew all of these teachings 20 years ago, I would have a brood of children and would be homeschooling in a large, beautiful home.  But, God gave me this second-rate life.  It didn't make any sense since I followed what I thought to be what he wanted me to do along the way.  Enter, Mary, Untier of Knots.  She sent my Catholic therapist and the chapter on Mistaken Beliefs in The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne.  The big question Bourne has you ask in challenging your beliefs is:

Is that always true?  

So I put this belief to the test: The ideal Catholic family is large and the mommy stays home to care for the children.  And, if you are in line with God's teaching, you will end up with this life.  

Is this always true?  
No. It's not.  

There are tons of examples to choose from.  Priests and Nuns.  Many saints. Widows. Sick mothers. Single women. Infertile and subfertile women. All the women throughout the centuries who died young leaving children behind.  Refugees.  Women in abject poverty.  Illiterate women.  The list could go on and on.

Did I believe their lives were second rate?  Absolutely not.

So what really makes a life ideal?  

Real Gospel Living.  Listening to Jesus' words instead of the world's.
Being open to God's will whatever that means.
Trusting without knowing why.
Being kind and not judging another's path.
Loving others through your questions and pain.
Understanding that His yoke is easy and His burden is light because you are right where you need to be.  You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other in faith.  And, you can rest when the day is done.
Modeling your life after the prodigal son's father.
Accepting that He has left you His peace.
Know that you are commanded not to worry.  
BE NOT AFRAID!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus never said that if you follow his teaching you will be healthy and prosperous.  He never said your house will be clean and organized.  His fruits aren't material.  His fruits are spiritual.  And, boy oh boy, I had gone down the wrong path.  I was so good at listening to the Holy Spirit, but I was horrible at listening to the Evil One.  He was whispering right along with the Good One and I was buying his lies. Hook, line and sinker.  The battle is on sucker!!!!

The words you are reading in this post took me months to process.  I just recently made up with myself.  I am not going to apologize for my life or be embarrassed by it or be ashamed of it or AFRAID of it.  He gave it to me.  The crosses in it are perfect for me as well as the joys.

Dear Jesus, help me remember the gifts you give me are uniquely mine.  So are the crosses.  And the gifts and crosses you give others are made just for them.  Help me to love as you did and to always look to You as my Lord.  Help me love others without idolizing them.  I love you.

Please note:  Since I am not a professional writer and am limited in my ability to communicate super effectively through words, I just want to add that this post is in no way written with a bitter heart toward large, homeschooling families.  I love large, homeschooling families and they inspire me to no end. This post is entirely my thought process in trying to deal with not comparing my life to any others.  We aren't supposed to compare and judge.  But, how do we do that?  This is how I am coping.  I've benefited so much from reading the blogs of mom's of large families.  This post is about how I've rooted out some poor thinking habits on my end.  Please excuse my limits and the limits of this medium if in anyway it sounds bitter or unloving.  


32 comments:

  1. I love your honesty in this post. It resonates so much with me. There are so many amazing examples of holiness and virture to be found in families - whatever their size! But I do agree that this fixation and elevating of large Catholic families onto a high pedastal is frustrating for those of us who for one reason or another are not like that. I think ALL Catholic families, striving to follow the Lord's will for THEIR family should be commended and encouraged in their vocations. But I see how there is a tendency for the pendulum to swing to the extremes and moderation and balance are in the middle. Our generation is in the midst of the worst hollocaust the world has ever seen - the daily killing of 3,500 children in the womb - and yes, our Church leaders rail and preach against this. And one way to overcome a great evil is to preach and hold up the exact opposite - openness to life, encouraging sanctity for all human life, etc. Unfortunately though, being open to life sometimes is "measured" by how many children you have. A women who has 6 kids under 8 but who has decided to go on the pill to stop having more kids may "appear" to be more open to life than the couple struggling with infertility in the pew next to them with only 1 child. (And no, this has nothing to do with anyone I know in real life - I am just saying I have heard this example and it yet again to me proves how deceiving appearances can be.)

    All in all, my prayer is that we (all of us - ME included) stop judging other families and give them the benefit of the doubt that they are truly striving to do the Lord's will for their family, unless we have 1st hand knowledge of their situation and they have asked for our advice / help.

    So thank you again for this post, especially the last paragraph!

    P.S. I just wanted to say also that Elizabeth Foss is one of my favorite bloggers (maybe because we both had NH lymphoma and I love her crafting heart) and I have always found her to be very open to doing what is best for your own family. She is actually one of the few large family bloggers that I read that I think gets it - meaning holy Catholic families come in all shapes and sizes. Is she perfect, no, of course not - none of us are. But I have learned so much from her and am grateful for her blogging presence. I couldn't tell if you were frustrated with her or not (either way is fine), I just wanted to put my $0.02 in!

    God Bless and I hope you have a great rest of the week! St. Agnes, pray for us!

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  2. Marie- you are so well spoken. Thank you for reading and considering these little words. Everything you say is so spot on. You are right that large families open to life are beautiful and a wonderful antidote to our culture of death. Oh, my, I love Elizabeth Foss. I am in no way annoyed with her or frustrated with her or want to tear her down. AT ALL. This post is me trying to deal with how God 'makes straight crooked lines' and how His plan for all of us is beautiful if we are open to it. God Bless Marie!!

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  3. I just took Elizabeth Foss' name out of the post- I didn't want any miscommunication about my feelings about one of my favorite bloggers. Just to be clear- I absolutely adore Elizabeth Foss!!!

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  4. This is a great and heart felt post. Wow...I needed these words to remind me (yet again) that I am right where I need to be in this life.

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  5. You are so sweet! I also wanted to add that sometimes I wish having more than X number of children wasn't the "badge" per se to the entrance to the Being Open to Life club! LOL! Sometimes I want to proclaim loudly for everyone to hear - "My family is the antidote to life as well! We are open to life, but love the Lord so much that we won't do anything that goes against his commandments in order to have children (e.g., IVF, etc.)." But it is often easier to congratulate the family that just had the newest baby then ask personal questions of the family that is struggling to see if there is anything that could be of help - such as prayers, etc. Not to mention, infertiliy is often such a private matter, the family probably doesn't want to talk about it in public. I hope that makes sense, I think I might be rambling... ;)

    And I am sorry if this didn't come across clearly in my first comment - but in no way did I think you were coming across as bitter or unloving or judgemental - the exact opposite actually. I agreed with 100% of your post, especially the BE NOT AFRAID! part - which I am horrible at. I think you are an amazing writer and I love reading your blog (even if I lax sometimes on commenting - my bad, I am sorry)!

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    1. Marie- you are such a dear. In no way did I take your comment as suggesting anything judgmental or unloving on my part. It helped me realize though that I needed to clear up some ambiguities in my post. The last thing I wanted to do was get into a mommy-wars situation, if you know what I mean ;) God Bless You!

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  6. And yeah, I am an Elizabeth Foss groupie. Her sewing and knitting posts make me swoon...

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  7. I struggle with this a lot, especially when I visit Catholic/NFP forums. It's hard not to feel like my DH and I are doing something "wrong" because of how things are turning out for us (and even if we do have kids, I have no intention of quitting my teaching job!) This post serves as a wonderful reminder, thank you!

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    1. I have to remind myself that being a working mom is NOT a sin. God or Jesus never commanded women to not work ;) Glad to know there's another teacher mom out there!

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  8. You know, you write for me as well, being a full time working mother. I also have this notion that I would be a better mother if I were home ... Or if I homeschooled. Or did x, y, or z. I compare like there is no other. But I, like you, also realize that God did not create me to be a cookie cutter type of person, so why should I expect that of myself.
    Great writing!!!! I love this post!

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    1. I love the cookie cutter comment! I will be using that in my thinking!

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  9. First of all, homeschooling is a calling. Not everyone is called to homeschool their children.
    Secondly, the whole "don't judge" conversation is just so misunderstood. When we are told not to judge others, biblically, Our Lord was talking about the state of ones soul. We Are indeed, not to judge the souls of others.
    We are, however, called to admonish sin. It is one of the precepts of the Catholic faith. There is a line drawn between the two, right?

    Not that any of that has a whole lot to do with what you are trying to express here, other than that is what I thought about as I read.
    I am a mom of a large Catholic homeschooling family, though, by most standards my family is fairly small as I only have 6 children.
    Those 6 are spaced curiously as I converted to the faith after my second child and did not fully understand her teachings on birth control for another 2 years. Even after I embraced the faith and lived it fully, I dealt with secondary infertility, losing 4 babies in a row, one a still birth. (that places another 6 years between my youngest children.) my youngest is often questioned as an "oops" to non catholics. The catholic moms I don't care to hang with question whether or not I'm a birth control user. (Don't even get me started on the reformer, house-church-goers who think Catholics are misinformed in faith matters.)
    Mostly, I can't stand the type who has seemingly lived the faith her whole married life and is so busy mentally calculating my family numbers that she forgets to realize the blessings of her own larger family with no fertility problems.

    I am no writer either, so if it sounds like I am bitter, it's because I am. ;)

    I think the thing that happens, even having said all that and in all sincerity, is that there is a true need to defend a life with no birth control. Living such a life is not a choice, it's Gods way and families who live it know that. But, when one lives in such a way, our culture is constantly making derogatory comments. In the process of defending itself, sometimes large families forget to remember that there are families who are small, but desperately in need of having a voice to remind everyone that living Gods plan for humanity does not always show outwardly.



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    1. Lisa - I agree with you about appropriate use of "judging". My apologies if that wasn't clear in my comment (if you were even referencing my comment). Basically, my point was that people around us shouldn't assume (or judge, or whatever you want to call it) how "holy" we are based on our family size, etc. Yes, where there is an opportunity to admonish actual sin - yes, I agree we are called to do so as an act of mercy in fact. However, I am truly horrible at doing that. Sometimes I get the courage to do so, but other times...yeah, I fail horribly. But that is a topic for another day. :)

      But just because someone in the pew next to you has 1 kid or no kids, or whatever # that other person deems as being less than open to life is no reason to automatically pass judgement on their holiness because unless they have direct knowledge of sin, appearances are often deceiving. That is what I was trying to get at...and maybe this just muddled it...

      I am sorry for the loss of your four babies. I have lost 3 to miscarriage and I miss them everyday. Sometimes it is such a lonely place to be as I am grateful for the 1 child I have here on earth, but grieve the ones that I haven't been able to hold.

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    2. And my use of "you" in the 2nd sentence and the start of the second paragraph wasn't meant to be directed specifically at you...just a general term. Okay, I am officially done. I need to stop second guessing my responses. :)

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    3. Lisa- First of all, I am sorry for your losses. Your openness to life is a beautiful testament to accepting God's will for your life.

      I'm so glad you brought out the point of admonishing sin. I was thinking of that as I was writing this post. I am eternally grateful for the church and those who aren't afraid to teach right from wrong. I needed to know I was sinning especially in the area of sex and birth control. However, once I knew I was sinning, rooting it out became a long process. Yes, I was doing something wrong. But, I was on the road to fixing it through the grace of reconciliation and concrete actions. Shame made it worse and made me anxious and more inclined to slip back into my poor thoughts and behaviors. I needed (and still do) to let God's mercy in to heal me. The snappy, harsh voices were killing me inside. Thank you for listening to this post. Your point about the fact that your type of family gets flack and you have to defend it is well taken. You have to be a voice for yourself and God's plan. Thank you for doing so and thank you for your testament to LIFE! God Bless You, Lisa!

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    4. Marie-
      You are so right about admonishing 'actual' sin. I am horrible at doing this too. And, unless you really know someone, there is no way you can judge from outside appearances if they are sinning or not. In fact, I just did a little research on it and it's a fascinating topic. Something I need to work on...Thanks for bringing it up in such a charitable way!

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  10. Oops....."does not always show outwardly through family size and homeschooling."

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  11. Thank you for sharing such an uplifting post. I too am a working mother and wife and have had my share of doubts as to whether what I am doing is the right thing; or if it's God's will for me to be working instead of just staying home and focus on caring for my family. But I trust God enough to know that it is He who placed me in this situation and gave me this wonderful opportunity to work--and be a mother and wife too! I strive to open my heart to His will all the time. I hope that when He wills for me to change something in my life, I can feel it and follow without question.

    Indeed, an ideal life means:
    Being open to God's will whatever that means.
    Trusting without knowing why.

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    1. That is a fantastic definition of an ideal life, and one that we can all hold onto, no matter what our situation and state in life.

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    2. What a wonderful example of a trusting woman! Thanks Erin! I'm adding you to my blogroll!

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  12. YES!

    Thank you! I am so glad you shared this, because I often get caught in the trap of comparing my life with others.

    You are right: homeschooling large Catholic families is beautiful, but it is not the only way. It cannot be the only way, because God doesn't call everyone to that way of life.

    Yes, we are called to live the Gospel and to discern what God wants from each of us. So beautiful!

    I love what Joy Beyond the Cross says about trying to measure a family's openness to life, and how you simply can't do it by the number of children they have. Thank you! I wish more priests and those who speak on behalf of Catholics would talk about that. It can be so crushing for those with infertility/subfertility to sit in the pews and feel judged bc their family size does not "measure up."

    Thanks again, Made for Another World.

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    1. It's so hard to not compare, isn't it? It's such a fine line between thinking someone's life is beautiful and authentic and then not expecting the same for yourself. You are right, openness to life can be expressed in many different ways. Some of those ways may be hidden and we would do well to remember that! Thanks so much for your support!

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  13. I, too, am a full time working (outside the home) mother and wife. I've been struggling with this as well, with some of the harshest--and most vocal--criticism coming from my own mother. I recently posted about family size on my blog too.

    I agree with Lisa about the feeling people have that they need to defend a life with out contraception. I think that is really insightful.

    Situations like ours feel very lonely, don't they? Thank you for posting this, if only because it makes me feel less lonely.

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    1. Yes, I often feel alone. The blogs help, but really deep down I really don't feel as though I fit anywhere which is why the name of my blog is Made for Another World. I am so sorry you are hearing this criticism from your own mom :( I heard it for years. It's very hurtful. Most mommies are just trying their best whatever that may look like and we need all the encouragement and support possible. You will be in my prayers in a special way.

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  14. Your post was great! Families come in all shapes and sizes. While it's good to see acceptance of large families in orthodox Catholic culture, it shouldn't come at the expense of disdaining small families. When one over-zealous man scorned the size of my family of origin (3 kids), I politely (through gritted teeth) informed him that my mom went through infertility for many years and thought she would have zero kids!

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  15. I love this post so much! I have been struggling recently again with feeling like a failure because I haven't managed to get married, I don't have any kids, I don't save enough, I don't own a house, onward and so forth. I love that you point out that SO MANY people don't have those things that we somehow think are necessary, and we know they aren't second rate or doing something wrong, so why do we sometimes think that we are?

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    1. I'm kind of thinking that sometimes it's spiritual attack. Maybe? As long as we are following the commandments and the teachings of the church as much as we are able, we aren't doing anything wrong. Of course we sin and we have to confess and work on rooting it out. But, the more we sit around thinking we are doing something wrong, the more anxious we get and if he has left us his peace, then we have to accept it. He's got it covered. Easier said than done!!

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  16. Great post. You're right - there's our conscience that chides us to do more and better, and then there's the voices of evil (and just poor emotional health - the effects of our fallen nature) that whisper to us that we should be ashamed even of things that are not failings, so that we can be unhappy and anxious all the time. And heavens, do I sympathize with the "huge number of children as a badge of holiness." It was ALL I WANTED. And not only did it prove impossible, but now, I'm not sure I want it any more. I can explain that as gratitude for the life I have, but I know that doesn't cut it with the people who are ardently praying for babies for me (oh, how I wish they would stop!), and I'm not sure it cuts it with me, either. I'm not sure I'm not doing something wrong. Something I need to sort out, for sure!

    One more thought: I read a really interesting post on a blog called "Feminist Mormon Housewives" (now there is a FASCINATING intersection of perspectives!) that cited to a study about working mothers and stay-at-home mothers; women had been surveyed and asked for the positives and negatives and so forth. At the TOP of the list of regrets in BOTH groups was that their homes weren't clean enough. (You can actually see the perverse logic - "If I stayed home, I would have a clean house!" "I'm home all day and this place is a mess!") Before ALL other drawbacks and regrets. Men express no such guilt over the cleanliness of their homes - it doesn't make their list of concerns at all - even if both parents work. As the blog post intelligently asked, what is it with women and their pathologies about housekeeping?! (And I say this knowing that it's irrational, and knowing that I feel EXACTLY the same way. I work, I have no kids, and I feel like a failure because my house isn't immaculate, even though I CONSCIOUSLY choose to prioritize my life in a way that will let the housekeeping slide in favor of spending time with people.)

    Sorry for the novella!

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    1. I've got to check this study! Ahhh- the house. What's up with that??? I wonder somehow if it's the combination of the TV house ideal that we grew up with (even Roseanne's house was neat and clean!), and the fact that we don't have to clean like our grandmother's did. My parents say they used to HAVE to literally wash the walls, curtains, and all surfaces regularly because of the residue from coal heat. So, my mother was taught that a clean house was scrubbed from top to bottom. We just don't have to do that anymore, but we are left with the thinking that we have to. Anyway...I'm always wondering how we got here. Interesting that you aren't sure you want the big family anymore. It's interesting what gratitude does to one's heart. The willingness to accept God's will can do it too. I think it's CS Lewis who says that Christianity doesn't give us what we desire, it changes what we desire. I'm sure I muddled that up a bit, but the point is the same. He changes our heart if we let him. Like my novella back to you? HAHA!!

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  17. Thank you for this post! There are so many points in here that hit home to me. I appreciate that you took the time to write it all out.

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  18. I "starred" this when you first wrote it and am just now getting back to fully read and comment.

    Anything I would say has already been said - but I will echo the thank-yous and say I am so glad you took the time to write this. Should we ever have children, a will most likely be a WOTH mom and it gives me peace to see all of these encouraging comments.

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