For about six years, I prayed for my dear husband to find his vocation and that if it was God's will, that more children would be included. There were difficult moments, but overall, God gave me the grace to embrace my life with one child even though I longed for more. Then, two years ago, Guitar Man was open to having more children. Now, here we are not able to conceive. Last night, he opens up to me that maybe all those years of not wanting children were really him not putting faith in God. And that if he had faith, maybe we would have more kids. This is all in light of this week's Gospel. He said that he was like Peter, he was following without wholehearted faith. Oh Lordy. You see, I've been under the impression all this time that we were following with faith. My husband is a musician and writer. He has produced beautiful work during the past 8 years. Art that is touched by Christ. As with any art, who knows if it will ever have a large audience. But, even if only one person is influenced by it, it is worth it. So, you see, I didn't think this was coming. I responded HORRIBLY to him. Horribly. I told him I could not handle his regret. That I handled his not wanting children so well- that he could not expect me to handle this well. I had just returned from a Creighton followup. Never fun being reminded of infertility in a fertile world. Plus, it was CD2. I say this not to excuse my behavior, but to explain it.
I'm now realizing that I need to support him through this realization. I have lots of experience with handling what-ifs and regret. Thank God for Abigail's post on not being scandalized by the cross. It has given me strength today. The only good thing I said last night is that at least he was always honest. He was honest all those years about children. He's being honest now. I just have to be open and forgiving. St. Joseph, pray for us.