Baring my Ambivalent Soul- please don't judge

First of all, I thought I've been responding to everyone's comments through email and then while I was reading Camp Patton, I realized maybe I wasn't.  So, when it says 'noreply,' in the email address, my email for the comment won't go through?  For all of you who have been leaving comments over the past few months, oops, sorry!   Basically, what I emailed to all of you was, "thank you, god bless you."  I love technology but, I'm not a techie!

We have been on a roller coaster ride over here for the last two months.  There's a lot to process and it could take 5 posts.  I'll start with the latest.

Guitar Man and I went to see Dr. Stalling, the newish Napro surgeon in Peoria.  We both loved her. She sat and listened to our story for over an hour.  She didn't push, she just suggested.  Our next steps will pre peak and post peak blood work to check hormone levels (I'm on progesterone), thyroid check (I'm on T3), semen analysis, ultrasound series, and if all that checks out, a lap to see if there's endo.

Guitar Man had to drag me kicking and screaming to Peoria for this appointment.  I really didn't want to go.  Mostly, it was because I kind of knew what she would suggest and I'm not sure if I'm up for it.  And, I know for sure even if I was up for it, Guitar Man wouldn't be.

I type this hoping you won't judge our marriage or choices.  We are different than most of you.  You are all so freely open and it is such a testament to your faith and willingness to accept church teaching.  We came to all of this late in the game.  I didn't even know about openness to life and vocation and theology of the body until maybe 6 years ago when I was 35.  Then, it took a while for all of  it to sink in.  Guitar Man isn't where I am in all of this either.  And, he thinks he's going to hell for not being open to life when we were younger. That's not going to change his mind about the amount of intervention he's up for.  And even though I'm behind all of you in my spiritual journey, I do know that my marriage comes first and I can't let this tear us apart.

Guitar Man just wants me to be healthy and if a baby results, then great. So, any intervention we would do would be to promote my health.  From my standpoint, I'm not sure if I'm up for an ultrasound series.  It's a 2 hour drive to Peoria so I'd probably have to stay down there for a few days. Then travel for a few days.  That's on top of getting all the blood work done.  There is another person to consider in all this- AJ.  I don't know if I want to drag him to all of this.  Of course a sibling for him would be worth it all and he'd be fine.

The important question is: what is God calling me and Guitar Man to do next?  Right now, I'm very ambivalent about it all.  According to what I've read in The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything, this is a good thing. Lots of prayer and journaling and talking are in order.

I just want to thank you all for your  inspiration and your willingness to share your stories.  I've learned so much about our beautiful faith through your witness.  God Bless you all!

Next up:

Vocation and the whisperings of the Holy Spirit

Letter Update

I emailed the letter regarding the blessing last week to our priests.  When I didn't hear anything during the week, I was afraid they didn't get the email.  I didn't want to be a pain and email them asking them if they received the original email.  And, this week has been so busy that I haven't had time to deliver a hard copy to the church.  Then.... this afternoon I received a phone call from one of our priests.  He left the kindest message that I will probably keep on the voice mail for FOREVER.  He was reworking the blessing and said that he thought that last year's blessing was outdated and inadequate.  I guess they took it from the book of blessings that was published in the 70s.  He ended the message by saying, " I hope the Lord will bless you in your struggle with the gift of life."

Those words just touched me so much.  Coming from a priest, they were balm for my soul.

Thank you Fr. C!  We love you!  Thank you for opening you heart and hearing our cry!

final draft of letter to priests about mother's day blessing

Okay, its final unless someone has huge problems with the few sentences I've added.  The new additions are in green.  Our parish is a Newman Center so I thought it would be important to acknowledge women who are healing from post abortion.  Also, I moved a sentence and changed just a few words.  Thanks for all the support with this.  I'm a little nervous about sending it but, we have 3 priests and I'm not sure which one to go to with a face to face conversation.  Plus, I want to make sure the message is conveyed in a coherent and charitable way and I think I'd be too nervous/emotional to do that in person.  No doubt, my friend who just had a miscarriage will be at Mass that weekend so I'm offering up my nervousness for her and her hubbie.  If you have any concerns about the letter, please let me know!

Dear Fathers,

I am writing this letter in regards to the annual blessing given to mothers on Mother's Day and fathers on Father's Day.  Over the past few years, I've become active in an online support group for Catholic women who are experiencing the cross of infertility.  While I myself have one child, I suffer from secondary infertility.  I'm in the unique position to receive the blessing and yet have a heavy heart for the children that are my heart's desire.   I also hear stories every year through this support group about how hard Mother's Day and Father's Day Mass is for those who are experiencing infertility, for those who have had miscarriages and for those who are single waiting to be married.  It's especially difficult when you strive to* follow the teachings of the church regarding sex and birth control, are open to life and for one reason or another are not able to conceive.  It's even more painful when miscarriage is involved. Although I haven't personally read anyone's struggle post abortion, I would assume women who are at Mass on Mother's day and are healing from abortion would also be in pain.  While many of the women and men I know accept the cross of infertility and are open to God's will, the journey is hard and can be lonely. Would you prayerfully discern making the blessing more inclusive of all women and men in their unique vocation as mothers and fathers, including spiritual motherhood and fatherhood? The blessing can be an opportunity to help heal those who are suffering, acknowledge those living out a vocation as a single person and also support mothers and fathers in the thick of parenting living children.  The spirit of this letter is not meant to be one of complaint nor entitlement.  I am only attempting to bring to light a painful issue that can potentially marginalize the faithful.  I trust that whatever decision you make about the blessing will be in our best interest.  If you would like more information or if you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.  Please know you are in my daily prayers!

God Bless You!

With love,

made for another world

*didn't want anyone to assume I'm perfect in this area

First draft of letter to priests about blessing

Here is the first draft of the letter.  Please give feedback on content and grammar.    Be honest!!I wanted to keep it short and I didn't want to make a recommendation of what to say unless they ask.  I figure the Holy Spirit will guide our priests in writing the blessing if they so choose to change it.  Thanks in advance for your help!

Dear Fathers,

I am writing this letter in regards to the annual blessing given to mothers on Mother's Day and fathers on Father's Day.  Over the past few years, I've become active in an online support group for Catholic women who are experiencing the cross of infertility.  While I myself have one child, I suffer from secondary infertility.  I'm in the unique position to receive the blessing and yet have a heavy heart for the children that are my heart's desire.   I also hear stories every year through this support group about how hard Mother's Day and Father's Day Mass is for those who are experiencing infertility, for those who have had miscarriages and for those who are single waiting to be married.  It's especially difficult when you are following the teachings of the church regarding sex and birth control, are open to life and for one reason or another are not able to conceive.  While many of the women and men I know  accept this cross and are open to God's will, the journey is hard and can be lonely.   It's even more painful when miscarriage is involved.  Would you prayerfully discern making the blessing more inclusive of all women and men in their unique vocation as mothers and fathers, including spiritual motherhood and fatherhood? The spirit of this letter is not meant to be one of complaint nor entitlement.  I am only attempting to bring to light a painful issue that can potentially marginalize the faithful.  I trust that whatever decision you make about the blessing will be in our best interest.  If you would like more information or if you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.  Please know you are in my daily prayers!

God Bless You!

With love,

made for another world

Help with Mother's Day Letter to Priest

Hello all.  I kinda fell off the blog world last week.  Thank you for all your prayers for my friend.  This little blogosphere is a God send.  The support and understanding is amazing.

I want to write a letter/email to my priests about the Mother's Day blessing.  They usually have mothers stand and have the family put their hands on them as the priest says a prayer.  I know a few years ago there was a letter floating around on the blogs that others had written asking their priests to prayerfully discern a different blessing.  Do any of you remember it?  Links? Copies?  I'd hate to reinvent the wheel, but I will if I have to!

God Bless and have a glorious day!

Sad News

Thank you for all of your prayers for my friend.  Her numbers are not increasing.  It's a sad day.  I don't know many details because our conversation was all about loss and grief, not why or how.  I feel like I've been punched in the gut.  I can only imagine how her and her husband feel.  Your prayers are what is going to help her to carry on.  Miscarriage is insidious and from the devil.  Only God can make something beautiful out of this  pain.  And He will.

Prayer Warriors Needed- Update

One of my closest friends just found out she was pregnant last week.  She's 40 and her and hubby have been actively TTC for 7 years.  They had just recently given up hope and began accepting their lives as they were.  They are a beautiful example of humbly accepting God's will.  Now she's spotting.  Has been for a week.  They go to the doctor tomorrow so there will be some answers then hopefully.  Will you please lift them up in prayer?  I'm so scared for them. 

St. Jude pray for us.

St. Gerard pray for us. 

St. Gianna pray for us.

St. Joseph pray for us. 

******Update*******
She went for the ultrasound yesterday and the doc saw a sac and took blood to check numbers and she'll have more taken Sunday to compare.  There wasn't a baby in the sac so the doctor said maybe she's earlier than she thought.  She doesn't chart so ovulation and last period aren't known for sure.  I'm still holding out hope....She is the perfect mixture of concerned and calm.  I'm not sure she's up for tons of intervention- I don't think she's 'there' yet if you know what I mean.  Here last words to me were, "it's in God's hands."  I can't tell you how much I appreciate all your prayers.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!