Phew! It's been quite a ride this weekend and my nerves are frazzled to prove it! I haven't felt this way since the Great Adrenal Fatigue Episode of 2009.
Reason #1: I spend 9 hours this weekend cleaning out the office I share with my dear friend. We have shared this office for 12 years and she is taking the year off for medical reasons. Our classrooms connect through the office and it's been great for our friendship and our professional relationship. Teaching can be very solitary and sharing an office is very intimate. Anyway, we have the reputation of having a messy office. Our classrooms always look neat and orderly because we have a place to stash all the unsightly artifacts that working with children produces. Our office failed the annual fire inspection. Ordinarily, I'd be ticked that we have to move filing cabinets and bookcases that have been in place for 12 years and never failed any other inspection. But, after saying the Serenity Prayer a few thousand times and going to through anger management training and after having been through the most ridiculous changes at school over the last 4 years, I've gotten used to surrender. Even though I firmly believe there are too many chiefs and not enough indians (so sorry that is so not PC), I've resigned to the fact that I don't want to be a chief and am a lowly indian so I better just buck up and follow the directions.
Reason #2: I had a cup of coffee this morning. Haven't had coffee in months and boy, it totally revved me up today.
Reason #3: Guitar Man told me right before Mass today that he saw an ambulance in front of our neighbors house as he left. AJ and I go to Mass separately because AJ has RE beforehand. My neighbors are the most wonderful people and I was so worried. They are fine- it turns out the ambulance was for another neighbor. G and L are in their late 70s and they are such wonderful role models to us. They are immigrants from Germany. They grew up during WWII and came here with nothing. G actually spent 5 years as a refugee in Norway. They were housed in a prison (can you imagine?) and thought their father was dead. The Red Cross reunited them and they moved here. Anyway, they are just a delight and I am so thankful to God that they are healthy tonight.
Reason #4: God, in His infinite mercy, gave me a surprising gift this weekend. No, I'm not pregnant. It's a gift I never knew I needed and am totally unworthy of receiving. He affirmed me, He validated me, He used an outward sign to show His love. It's a whole post in and of itself because it's complicated and layered and personal. I've never done well with affirmation or validation. So. I'm just trying to let it sink in past the coffee jitters and speak to my soul.
May God Bless you tonight.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Infertile at 40
What does that even mean? Does it mean I'm just experiencing the normal decline of fertility? Or does it mean that there is more going on like hormone imbalance, structural issues, endo, chronic infection etc.?
For the two years we've been actively trying to become pregnant, I've also been battling chronic fatigue. When I first started charting Creighton, it was to become pregnant. Then, after realizing how exhausted I was, the main priority of treatment with Napro was to fix the fatigue. Through progesterone supplementation, T3 and dietary changes, the fatigue has lifted. The questionnaire they have me fill out asks to give a percentage of how normal you feel. I'm at 95%.
Now that I'm feeling better, I feel the priority shifting to becoming pregnant. And as the months go by, my anxiety increases. And honestly, because of my age, the hope decreases each cycle. I'm not sure what the next step for us will be. We went into this without wanting tons of intervention. I don't believe God is calling me to go all out to have another baby. By all out, I mean more meds, ultrasounds, lots more blood work, etc. It would put too much strain on our family that has been strained by my fatigue for years. I'm not saying that lightly- this is after much prayer and discernment. Of course, I can't read the mind of God. But, it's the current conclusion I've reached after contemplating the desires He's placed in the my heart and the duties He's placed in my life. It could change next month. Can you tell I've been reading Abandonment to Divine Providence? Ha ha!!
I'll be emailing my chart to Peoria on the next CD1 which, by the state of my chin (2 zits- yes, zits at 40!) and sore boobs, will be in a little less than a week. I'll probably visit the surgeon to see about a lap. I would consider the lap because the doc said if I do have endo, it's important to remove it for general health reasons, not just to increase fertility. But, other than that, I think I'm at the end of the Napro road.
I'm sad about the fact that I probably won't have another baby. I'm losing hope that I'll ever be pregnant. I'm increasingly anxious during the 2WW. I didn't even chart this month after my period ended. I had horrible CM too. We've been trying for 2 years. But, I've been waiting for 10 years to have another baby. Those eight years of waiting for my husband to be open to another child taught me how to handle this time. It's not pretty. It's not easy. But, it is led by God with the knowledge that His peace is around the corner if I keep a grateful and humble heart.
For the two years we've been actively trying to become pregnant, I've also been battling chronic fatigue. When I first started charting Creighton, it was to become pregnant. Then, after realizing how exhausted I was, the main priority of treatment with Napro was to fix the fatigue. Through progesterone supplementation, T3 and dietary changes, the fatigue has lifted. The questionnaire they have me fill out asks to give a percentage of how normal you feel. I'm at 95%.
Now that I'm feeling better, I feel the priority shifting to becoming pregnant. And as the months go by, my anxiety increases. And honestly, because of my age, the hope decreases each cycle. I'm not sure what the next step for us will be. We went into this without wanting tons of intervention. I don't believe God is calling me to go all out to have another baby. By all out, I mean more meds, ultrasounds, lots more blood work, etc. It would put too much strain on our family that has been strained by my fatigue for years. I'm not saying that lightly- this is after much prayer and discernment. Of course, I can't read the mind of God. But, it's the current conclusion I've reached after contemplating the desires He's placed in the my heart and the duties He's placed in my life. It could change next month. Can you tell I've been reading Abandonment to Divine Providence? Ha ha!!
I'll be emailing my chart to Peoria on the next CD1 which, by the state of my chin (2 zits- yes, zits at 40!) and sore boobs, will be in a little less than a week. I'll probably visit the surgeon to see about a lap. I would consider the lap because the doc said if I do have endo, it's important to remove it for general health reasons, not just to increase fertility. But, other than that, I think I'm at the end of the Napro road.
I'm sad about the fact that I probably won't have another baby. I'm losing hope that I'll ever be pregnant. I'm increasingly anxious during the 2WW. I didn't even chart this month after my period ended. I had horrible CM too. We've been trying for 2 years. But, I've been waiting for 10 years to have another baby. Those eight years of waiting for my husband to be open to another child taught me how to handle this time. It's not pretty. It's not easy. But, it is led by God with the knowledge that His peace is around the corner if I keep a grateful and humble heart.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
7 quick takes- Sunday edition
-1-
I just figured out that I can reply to comments on my blog through gmail. Duh!!! Just took 6 months to figure that out!
-2-
The super clean out of 2012 started off well and then hit a snag this weekend. I did the 27 fling boogie each day on the garage and it's done!! Yay! We can park a car in there now. The garage isn't clean by any means, it's just picked up to get a car in there. I don't have time to do the one hour of work this weekend because I totally overbooked myself. I'm not happy with myself at all. I have 3 social engagements. Plus, I always have to work at school for at least a few hours so there goes all my time. Hopefully, I will live and learn.
-3-
I gave my maternity clothes to Goodwill. Even if on the off chance I get pregnant, I'm not going to want to wear 11 year old maternity clothes anyway. Even so, I was sad as I drove away.
-4-
With the whole rythmn word I'm focusing on, I'm realizing how distracted I am and how hard it is for me to concentrate. When I do finally get going on a task, I become super focused and it's hard for me to be flexible and stop or be interrupted. This is good information for how to move forward even if I'm not sure how.
-5-
I'm starting a laundry experiment that Lauren from Magnify the Lord suggested. It's weird and goes against everything my mother taught me about laundering. She would be appalled if I told her that I'm trying this. You do a load a day of whatever everyone wore that day. No separating. Just one load of everything. I just now got all caught up with the laundry so we are starting tonight. I'll keep you updated.
-6-
I am doing horrible with trying to be on time. It's making me really anxious and frustrated because I'm late for nearly everything. Not super late, no more than 15 minutes but, still, when you are trying to be on time an you are always even a few minutes late, it's frustrating. I'm pretty sure it's related to #4 so if I can try to stop what I'm doing, it might help. AAARRRRRGGGGG.
-7-
My saint for the year is St. Roque Gonzalez de Santa Cruz and the little I know of him, I love him already. He was a Jesuit martyr and I'm really interested in Ignatian spirituality so he is perfect for this year. It doesn't seem like there is much info on him so I'll have to do some hunting.
Many of these quick takes could be expanded into posts. I guess I have some blog post ideas ready!!!
Monday, January 2, 2012
Clean Up Time
Well ladies, 2011 was pretty good to me because the crushing fatigue that has plagued me for years has lifted. One of the thyroid questionnaires asks you to name a percentage of how much you feel like a normal person. My original answer was 40%. I'd say now I'm about 85%. I don't have crushing fatigue but, I don't have any get-up-and-go and my libido is in the toilet. In addition to the fatigue, I do give into laziness when I'm overwhelmed.
It's time to come clean. Besides our living room, kitchen and bathroom, our home is a disaster. The bedrooms aren't horrible but, they aren't good either. My closet is a shambles. AJs room is bursting at the seams. Guitar mans closet is despicable. The linen closet, oh my. Our basement is unbearable. We have a laundry room, playroom, office and storage room down there. They are dirty and disorganized. I am super embarrassed when anyone has to go down there. I have so many gifts to put away but, there really isn't any place to put them.
The other thing I really struggle with is being on time. I have all my life. I come from a family of late people. The lateness stems from trying to do to much and not being able to prioritize or stop what I'm doing.
So...my word for 2012 is
Rhythm
Rhythm to me means:
intention
calm
preparedness
living in the moment
moving forward
being positive
planning
good timing
awareness of time
respect of time
learning from mistakes, not dwelling on them
To start, I'm targeting areas to organize and clean. I'll do the following until I get through the house:
Flylady's 27 fling boogie each day
1 hour on the weekend
1 day per month (4-6 hours)
The areas I'll work on are:
garage
Christmas decorations
nursery- we call it that even though it's an office :(
linen closet and vanity
guitar man's closet
laundry room
playland
storage room
Guitar Man's office
I'm just going to organize and clean. I'll worry about decorating over the summer. This will probably take all year with Guitar Man's office and the storage room taking the lion's share of the time. I'd like to take before and after pics to document my progress. I come from a very clean family and I love things to be neat and clean so this is a burden for me and a source of embarrassment. But I don't want to feel overwhelmed about this or it won't get done. My goal is to look at each area in a very detached manner so I'm able to work in a rhythm.
As I was reading this over, it looks like Guitar Man doesn't do his fair share and believe me, he does. He does all the bills, the grocery shopping and the yard. He also does crisis management when when things get out of control which is why our main living spaces are organized and clean so we can live comfortably and have guests over. He also fills our home with play, laughter and music. We are going to work together on this, but I'm the manager and he's the assistant ;)
Now I have to figure out the time thing... any suggestions?
Dear Jesus, you want me to live an ordered life. You've healed my body to a point where I can now take care of the material gifts you have given me. Please help me remain calm and focused on you while I'm finding my rhythm. Thank Dear Jesus for giving me my health and my home. I love you.
It's time to come clean. Besides our living room, kitchen and bathroom, our home is a disaster. The bedrooms aren't horrible but, they aren't good either. My closet is a shambles. AJs room is bursting at the seams. Guitar mans closet is despicable. The linen closet, oh my. Our basement is unbearable. We have a laundry room, playroom, office and storage room down there. They are dirty and disorganized. I am super embarrassed when anyone has to go down there. I have so many gifts to put away but, there really isn't any place to put them.
The other thing I really struggle with is being on time. I have all my life. I come from a family of late people. The lateness stems from trying to do to much and not being able to prioritize or stop what I'm doing.
So...my word for 2012 is
Rhythm
Rhythm to me means:
intention
calm
preparedness
living in the moment
moving forward
being positive
planning
good timing
awareness of time
respect of time
learning from mistakes, not dwelling on them
To start, I'm targeting areas to organize and clean. I'll do the following until I get through the house:
Flylady's 27 fling boogie each day
1 hour on the weekend
1 day per month (4-6 hours)
The areas I'll work on are:
garage
Christmas decorations
nursery- we call it that even though it's an office :(
linen closet and vanity
guitar man's closet
laundry room
playland
storage room
Guitar Man's office
I'm just going to organize and clean. I'll worry about decorating over the summer. This will probably take all year with Guitar Man's office and the storage room taking the lion's share of the time. I'd like to take before and after pics to document my progress. I come from a very clean family and I love things to be neat and clean so this is a burden for me and a source of embarrassment. But I don't want to feel overwhelmed about this or it won't get done. My goal is to look at each area in a very detached manner so I'm able to work in a rhythm.
As I was reading this over, it looks like Guitar Man doesn't do his fair share and believe me, he does. He does all the bills, the grocery shopping and the yard. He also does crisis management when when things get out of control which is why our main living spaces are organized and clean so we can live comfortably and have guests over. He also fills our home with play, laughter and music. We are going to work together on this, but I'm the manager and he's the assistant ;)
Now I have to figure out the time thing... any suggestions?
Dear Jesus, you want me to live an ordered life. You've healed my body to a point where I can now take care of the material gifts you have given me. Please help me remain calm and focused on you while I'm finding my rhythm. Thank Dear Jesus for giving me my health and my home. I love you.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
The Best of 2011
2011 was good to me even if I didn't get pregnant. Here is a list of what was great about this year.
St. Teresa de Avila
She was my patron for the year. I loved meditating on the fact that she struggled spiritually until she was 40. Since I turned 40 this year and the learning curve with this spirituality thing has been steep for me, I took great comfort in knowing her journey.
Peace
This was my word for the year and even though I'm not completely where I want to be, peace has begun to seep into my heart and for that I am grateful. Much of the reason is that, with God's help, I've been able to temper some bad habits.
Weight Watchers
Can you guess what one of the bad habits is? I'm only 3 pounds away from goal.
Anit-inflammatory diet and T3
I could be wrong but, I think these two changes were key in helping me feel better. I'm a bit apprehensive because I'm not sure where the diet will lead me or if I'll need more than T3. But, at least now I have enough energy to research it more.
They spend an inordinate amount of time with me and answer every weird question.
She is the person who figured out how tired I was. She didn't just say, "Oh, your depressed or anxious." Now, she's working with me on anger management and I'm learning so much.
Friends
I try to avoid discussing relationships on this blog in case the person would find the post. But, suffice it to say that I've had several key relationships in my life that became troubled. Some of them have improved because I've put up healthy boundaries. I've been praying for God to send some catholic friends and boy, did the Lord deliver. We've made friends with a couple at church and I joined a book club that's mostly people from church. These people aren't outwardly spiritual- I'm not going to be saying the rosary with them any time soon. But, they are good, positive people that are fun to be around. They've been a breath of fresh air.
Family
Guitar Man and I continue to grow in our relationship even with a few bumps along the way. AJ is finally doing solidly well in school. Nothing in school has been easy for him and he's finally working at grade level in 5th grade. My mom has made it another year- alleluia.
You
Thank you for this community. I love reading your struggles, your joys and your stories. Thank you for sharing- I love you.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
prayer buddy reveal
I had the distinct honor to pray for T at The What IF Cross. She gave birth to the adorable Magdalene Agnes on December 10th! Praise God! My prayer life took a hit with travel, family obligations and the general busy-ness of the season. So, my work was offered up for her intentions. I offered up tasks and worry many times a day and thought about her all the time. T- you will continue to be close to my heart!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Controlled Chaos
Thank you all for your prayers for my mom. After three days in the hospital, she was released. She's on medication and she can still take her chemo drugs. That was my biggest fear. One of her chemo drugs can affect the heart and I was so afraid they would discontinue the medication. The medication she's on (Tykerb) was made specifically for the type of cancer she has and she has a very aggressive form of breast cancer. Knowing she's on this medication is a great comfort. It was very, very hard being so far away from both of them and having my 70 year old father have to deal with this all on his own. My mom became very agitated at certain points (very unusual for her) and there was a scare that she had a hole in her heart (it was a shadow on the echocardiogram).
We tried to make the best of the trip even though the whole point was to all be together for the holidays. My sis and I had lots of time to talk and hang out and make healthy food. She's recently became a vegan so it was very complimentary to the anti-inflammatory diet. On top of everything, my niece was sick the whole time we were there so we didn't go anywhere except to church twice. I almost forgot about the Holy Day in the midst of worry!
Preparing for the trip took much of my weekends leading up to it so I'm not very well prepared for Christmas which we are hosting. Then, there's always work and the busy-ness in a school leading up to break. We've done lots of crafts, Polar Express Day, dipping Oreos in chocolate (VERY anti-inflammatory-HA), secret santa, a holiday breakfast, and two big projects AJ had due for school. The house isn't all the way decorated or straightened or cleaned. AJ threw up today all over the living room. At least that floor is clean now! And, the gifts aren't all shopped for or wrapped. Thank goodness we have a small house and a small family. It makes decorating and shopping a bit easier. I kind of just took the day off yesterday and did basically nothing. I'm not sure if it was laziness creeping in or if I was giving my body some rest in the midst of the season. Probably a little of both.
This post is all over the place. Basically, I'm writing it so I can find comfort in all that's been done already, find fortitude for what's left to do, and keep the real reason for the season in the forefront of our preparations.
While I work, I'm going to light a candle and put on Jeff Cavins Great Adventure Bible Study CDs. I have the 8 week series and it's perfect to listen to at Christmas because it builds up to Christ's birth.
All my work and worry is offered up for my dear prayer buddy.
Dear Jesus, help me remember that when I prepare for our guests, I am preparing for you to enter our home. When I cook the food, it is to feed you. When I clean and decorate it's so you have a beautiful place to sit and enjoy the love of a family. And that the greatest gift I can give my family is a still, peaceful, gentle heart so that I may reflect God's love.
God Bless you, my friends!
We tried to make the best of the trip even though the whole point was to all be together for the holidays. My sis and I had lots of time to talk and hang out and make healthy food. She's recently became a vegan so it was very complimentary to the anti-inflammatory diet. On top of everything, my niece was sick the whole time we were there so we didn't go anywhere except to church twice. I almost forgot about the Holy Day in the midst of worry!
Preparing for the trip took much of my weekends leading up to it so I'm not very well prepared for Christmas which we are hosting. Then, there's always work and the busy-ness in a school leading up to break. We've done lots of crafts, Polar Express Day, dipping Oreos in chocolate (VERY anti-inflammatory-HA), secret santa, a holiday breakfast, and two big projects AJ had due for school. The house isn't all the way decorated or straightened or cleaned. AJ threw up today all over the living room. At least that floor is clean now! And, the gifts aren't all shopped for or wrapped. Thank goodness we have a small house and a small family. It makes decorating and shopping a bit easier. I kind of just took the day off yesterday and did basically nothing. I'm not sure if it was laziness creeping in or if I was giving my body some rest in the midst of the season. Probably a little of both.
This post is all over the place. Basically, I'm writing it so I can find comfort in all that's been done already, find fortitude for what's left to do, and keep the real reason for the season in the forefront of our preparations.
While I work, I'm going to light a candle and put on Jeff Cavins Great Adventure Bible Study CDs. I have the 8 week series and it's perfect to listen to at Christmas because it builds up to Christ's birth.
All my work and worry is offered up for my dear prayer buddy.
Dear Jesus, help me remember that when I prepare for our guests, I am preparing for you to enter our home. When I cook the food, it is to feed you. When I clean and decorate it's so you have a beautiful place to sit and enjoy the love of a family. And that the greatest gift I can give my family is a still, peaceful, gentle heart so that I may reflect God's love.
God Bless you, my friends!
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