Saturday, May 26, 2012

Baring my Ambivalent Soul- please don't judge

First of all, I thought I've been responding to everyone's comments through email and then while I was reading Camp Patton, I realized maybe I wasn't.  So, when it says 'noreply,' in the email address, my email for the comment won't go through?  For all of you who have been leaving comments over the past few months, oops, sorry!   Basically, what I emailed to all of you was, "thank you, god bless you."  I love technology but, I'm not a techie!

We have been on a roller coaster ride over here for the last two months.  There's a lot to process and it could take 5 posts.  I'll start with the latest.

Guitar Man and I went to see Dr. Stalling, the newish Napro surgeon in Peoria.  We both loved her. She sat and listened to our story for over an hour.  She didn't push, she just suggested.  Our next steps will pre peak and post peak blood work to check hormone levels (I'm on progesterone), thyroid check (I'm on T3), semen analysis, ultrasound series, and if all that checks out, a lap to see if there's endo.

Guitar Man had to drag me kicking and screaming to Peoria for this appointment.  I really didn't want to go.  Mostly, it was because I kind of knew what she would suggest and I'm not sure if I'm up for it.  And, I know for sure even if I was up for it, Guitar Man wouldn't be.

I type this hoping you won't judge our marriage or choices.  We are different than most of you.  You are all so freely open and it is such a testament to your faith and willingness to accept church teaching.  We came to all of this late in the game.  I didn't even know about openness to life and vocation and theology of the body until maybe 6 years ago when I was 35.  Then, it took a while for all of  it to sink in.  Guitar Man isn't where I am in all of this either.  And, he thinks he's going to hell for not being open to life when we were younger. That's not going to change his mind about the amount of intervention he's up for.  And even though I'm behind all of you in my spiritual journey, I do know that my marriage comes first and I can't let this tear us apart.

Guitar Man just wants me to be healthy and if a baby results, then great. So, any intervention we would do would be to promote my health.  From my standpoint, I'm not sure if I'm up for an ultrasound series.  It's a 2 hour drive to Peoria so I'd probably have to stay down there for a few days. Then travel for a few days.  That's on top of getting all the blood work done.  There is another person to consider in all this- AJ.  I don't know if I want to drag him to all of this.  Of course a sibling for him would be worth it all and he'd be fine.

The important question is: what is God calling me and Guitar Man to do next?  Right now, I'm very ambivalent about it all.  According to what I've read in The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything, this is a good thing. Lots of prayer and journaling and talking are in order.

I just want to thank you all for your  inspiration and your willingness to share your stories.  I've learned so much about our beautiful faith through your witness.  God Bless you all!

Next up:

Vocation and the whisperings of the Holy Spirit

16 comments:

  1. I don't think we have to do anything, outside of just being open to life and not doing anything illicit. I think it's perfectly fine to just work on health and if a baby results, then great. Actually, that's sort of the basis of NaPro, isn't it?.. treating the disease rather than just getting a baby at all costs.

    I know my priorities have completely changed now that I have two babies at home. My heart yearns for more, but traveling for an u/s series would be out of the question. Or elective surgery. So I completely understand.

    By the way, I was just reading some of your old posts that I missed, going way back, and I love them all. I can relate to so much!

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    1. I've always very much related to you AYWH- ever since I started reading your blog which was about a month or so before you adopted Clara. It's been such a joy to watch your story unfold before our eyes! Thanks so much for the reminder of what NaPro is all about...sometimes I think that if I'm not willing to go all out, it is a reflection of how 'open' I am to life. Of course, this is false, it's just a thought that floats around in my head.

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  2. Why on earth would we judge you for deciding NOT to do a certain test or treatment??? ;) Silly goose :) That's a decision that is up to each couple! The fact that you traveled all that way to see Dr S is amazing in and of itself!!

    Also, I'm so happy to hear that you loved her!! I am sending my 2nd cousins her way and am hoping they will have a similar experience. Thanks for sharing yours.

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    1. I am a silly goose, aren't I? Thanks so much for point that out! Humor always helps me see the truth and you are so good at getting to the truth. I can't say enough about Dr. Stalling. She was so quiet and gentle and accepting. She gave us these awesome handouts about cycle reviews and explanations of different procedures. I'm sure your cousin will be in excellent hands.

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  3. You have to choose what is good for you and your family -- no judgements whatsoever. If my Napro doctor suggests another u/s series I will have a hard time saying yes. I'm so over all the invasive business!

    Praying for your discernment!

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    1. Bless your heart Jelly Belly for your understanding. You are in my daily prayers even though prayer buddies have ended!

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  4. My husband and I have the "talk" all the time about whether to move ahead with all these treatments. Such a personal decision. Regardless of what you decide, you remain in my prayers. I

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    1. Glad I'm not the only one...your support means the world to me!

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  5. The exhaustion of IF and secondary IF is like nothing else. I would NEVER judge your response to it--ever.

    It is torture. I personally only and always simply pray for fortitude strength and endurance.

    Because in the end without these three IF is too much for any of us, but especially for those of us with health issues and little ones to already care for at home. And, being open to life depends on having a good marriage so you are very, very, wise.

    Prayers for your HEALING.

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  6. I think it sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing! And I hope Guitar Man is able to feel more comfortable soon with the fact that he is not going to hell for anything done in the past and in ignorance. It's what you do when you start learning about this stuff that counts; that is, being open to life. You do NOT have to go through everything to conceive. I think it sounds like you have both come up with a very wise course of action.

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  7. Everyone's spiritual journey is different and in pretty sure people only post what they feel comfortable sharing so I'd try not to think of it in terms of being 'ahead' or 'behind'. You are very very wise to put your marriage first and consider the needs of your husband, its vital to battling IF as I'm sure you're aware! Whatever way works out, I'm glad you are seeking to better your health.

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  8. When I found out that all I had to do was be open to life and not supplement drugs at the end of my cycle to sustain life I was so relieved. Damn, sounds awful, but it's a lot. I totally understand and if I were in the same boat, I probably wouldn't be running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

    It is a lot of work.....Getting the endo out would be beneficial to your health. :) But doing the ultrasound series is not beneficial. :) JMHO Others might disagree. :)

    And if it weren't for infertility I'm not sure I would fully understand how to follow church teaching.....Didn't fully understand it either until infertility. And we made some not so great decisions before fully understanding.......

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  9. I have the hardest time deciding what God's plan is, because he doesn't use words I can hear! :-) Wouldn't that be nice?!?!? :-)
    You are so wise to put your marriage first, regardless of procreation! Being healthier is a great goal, and doing multitudes of treatments and drugs gets so overwhelming. I'll be praying that you find God's path - and He speaks so you can easily hear. :-)

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  10. So, I'm just going to echo everyone else here and say - what is best for your family is what you need to do - and if that means focusing on health, then that is beautiful! Openness to life does not equal doing everything possible to have a baby, it means NOT demanding or rejecting children in artificial ways.

    That said, I hear you on the "what comes next?" question and some of these comments have been an absolute blessing to me to read. I am overwhelmed at the thought of what our next looks like and I will say to you, as I remind myself, if we are prayerfully discerning our next steps and striving to do God's will we can only grow in faith and love.

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  11. Could you email me when you get a chance? thiscrossiembrace@gmail.com
    I have a question about Dr S's office...

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  12. Yay for Dr. Stalling! I've been a patient with her since January! I love love love her and working with her office. You're in my prayers!

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