The Eucharist in Target

We pulled out of our driveway on our way to Target.  My mom and me.  Mom and her radiation soaked brain doesn't always know what to say.  She asked me if our 3rd bedroom is just a storage room now.  I respond that it has AJ's stuff from his bedroom in it because we are painting his room.  She doesn't know that we hope to fill it up with another child.  She doesn't know that's why the cradle is still in there housing all the stuffed animals.  She doesn't know that the computer is on a card table because I hope to God that it doesn't become an office.  I can't take down the Noah's Ark wallpaper, not just yet.  Maybe in a couple of years.  She doesn't know.  She stopped asking about another baby when AJ was 5.

I thank God that it's Sunday and we read John 6 at Mass today.  And Jesus lives in me.  He loves me. He has a perfect plan and I trust Him.  What He's given me is enough.  It's an abundance beyond my wildest imagination.

Mom stops to talk to a one year old playing on the huge red ball outside Target.  His mom and dad were probably in their twenties, more than a decade younger than me.  The mommy had a newborn strapped to her chest.  Newborn was 11 days old.  We are inundated at Target with babies, with pregnancies, with newborns.  They are everywhere.  Why can't I be normal and have more babies?  Why? Why? Why?

It is enough.  His lives in me.  He knows what He is doing.  I trust You Jesus.  I can taste the hard bread that was washed down with the tart wine.  Thank You for giving me that sensory experience so that I will remember as I walk through  Target.  Remember that You love me.

We take a short cut through the little girl bedding aisle.  My mom says, "don't you wish you had a little girl."

I am cut open in an aisle in Target in rural Illinois.  But, He's there filling my heart with love, rooting out the bitterness and anger.  I hear him whisper, "I love you, it's okay.  It will all be okay."

What the heck would I do without the gift of the living Jesus?

Thank you Lord for the gift of the Eucharist. I am so weak that I need a tangible reminder every week of Your love, Your sacrifice and Your divine plan.  I need Your dry body and the warmth of Your blood in my mouth.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.

Joy in Suffering

Many authors have hashed this out in many different ways.  I'm hashing this out in a very elementary way to help me understand more fully.

As I stood at my stove a few weeks ago, wishing I had more children, I realized my joy, my faith is witness to those around me who know my wish.  I am a shining light for Jesus because I suffer.   I want.  Yet I believe and trust.

I stood in line at the pool concession stand yesterday.  Earlier in the day, I had burned my hand and I needed a steady stream of ice water to cool the burn.  The ice water had turned tepid and my hand was on fire.  I thought about asking the kids at the front if I could cut.  I know them from Religious Ed.  They would have gladly let me in.  As I contemplated what to do, I started to think about women around the world who burned their hands that day trying to cook on open fire.  Certainly it happens all the time if I I burned my hand on my first world stove.  I thought of dirt floors and bare feet and tin walls.  I thought of flies buzzing and dirty water and humid air.  I prayed for these women and their families as I waited in pain.  The pain connected me.  It opened me up.  It humbled me.  I was thankful for it.

The joy in suffering isn't just a page in a book anymore.

You are Saints!

The same day you all started praying, Guitar Man and I took a step toward healing.  We weren't really speaking about the issue- it was like beating a dead horse.  I showed him my blog the day after I posted and he said, 'When did they start praying?"  I said, "Yesterday."  His eyes got really big and then we shared what were each working through and realized that your prayers coincided with a step toward acceptance.  A step toward surrender.  A step toward trust.  It is still a time of difficulty, but we are pointed in the right direction thanks to you, the saints in heaven, our heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart ladies.

May God bless you with a day full of joy and peace!

Update and a Request

Hello Everyone!
Lots going on over here in Northern Illinois...
So happy for all the great news out in blogland!  The recent adoptions and pregnancy announcements are so exciting.  I inadvertently removed my Infertility Support blogroll (yikes).  I was moving all the ladies that now have babies to the other blogroll and accidentally removed the whole thing!  Oh well...it will take some time to build it up again.

Guitar Man and I are facing a difficult time in our marriage.  It's happened before and it will happen again.  But, the fact is that it's not easy.  I'm over the fear part- that was last week. It's one of those things that will make us stronger, but very easily could lead to bitterness.  It's about rooting out sin, becoming vulnerable and opening ourselves to God's grace.  Unfortunately, I can't be specific- it's intensely private and if anyone IRL that I didn't trust found out, it would make the situation even more difficult.

I married Guitar Man because he's never let me down- EVER.  We've always grown and changed together so we've never grown apart.  But, for the past two weeks, we haven't been on the same page- there's been a distance.  I hate it.  I hate admitting it.  But, it's true.  We have to start with the truth so we can move forward.

I'm on day 6 of saying the Thirty Day Prayer to St. Joseph for him and for our marriage.  For the month of July, I am focusing on serving him in ways that matter to him: having a dinner plan, organizing the basement storage room, being off the internet when he's around, playing classical music on Pandora, sitting with him in the evening and gently touching his back or feet.

Would you please say a quick prayer for us?  We will be okay, but I trust your prayers will lighten the load and clear the way.   This little community packs a powerful punch in the prayer department.

Love you all and hope today brings you peace and joy.

God Bless.

5 tips for cheap and easy organic gardening (in other words, I'm procrastinating writing a serious post)

I have a million ideas running through my head....I'm going to start with the easiest.   IE....the least serious.

I've noticed that usually organic gardening requires either lots of money or lots of do-it-yourself know how.  We have neither.  So, here are my tips after living in my home for 11 years without using chemicals, lots of money or know-how.

1.  Live in a neighborhood or town that has a range of what's acceptable landscaping.  I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago where most homes had neat, weed- free, green lawns with evergreens for landscaping and rocks as ground cover.  Now, I'm in an a more rural area where weeds and perennials are more abundant.   Look for neighborhoods that have cars parked on other parts of the property besides the driveway.

2.  Buy a home where the people didn't take care of their landscaping.  Whatever you do, your neighbors will be happy and you'll look like fabulous homeowners.

3.  Of course, weed killer is out of the question.  That would be way too expensive and way too do-it-yourselfish and most definitely not organic.  The trick to having a lawn made up of weeds and not grass is to mow the lawn before it has a chance to flower.  Unless it's when the violets are blooming.  A purple lawn is so rad.  When there is a drought, you might have to mow because there is a pesky weed that actually flourishes without water and ends up looking like you have a lawn made up of ornamental grasses.

4.  Have your local tree service drop off a mulched up tree that they just took down.  Free mulch!  Or, free diseased tree that just was taken down and now you are distributing said disease around your yard.

5.  Become a teacher because then you won't be able to shop for flowers until the middle of June when all the flowers are 75% off.  Okay, that's not organic, but it's cheap!

Baring my Ambivalent Soul- please don't judge

First of all, I thought I've been responding to everyone's comments through email and then while I was reading Camp Patton, I realized maybe I wasn't.  So, when it says 'noreply,' in the email address, my email for the comment won't go through?  For all of you who have been leaving comments over the past few months, oops, sorry!   Basically, what I emailed to all of you was, "thank you, god bless you."  I love technology but, I'm not a techie!

We have been on a roller coaster ride over here for the last two months.  There's a lot to process and it could take 5 posts.  I'll start with the latest.

Guitar Man and I went to see Dr. Stalling, the newish Napro surgeon in Peoria.  We both loved her. She sat and listened to our story for over an hour.  She didn't push, she just suggested.  Our next steps will pre peak and post peak blood work to check hormone levels (I'm on progesterone), thyroid check (I'm on T3), semen analysis, ultrasound series, and if all that checks out, a lap to see if there's endo.

Guitar Man had to drag me kicking and screaming to Peoria for this appointment.  I really didn't want to go.  Mostly, it was because I kind of knew what she would suggest and I'm not sure if I'm up for it.  And, I know for sure even if I was up for it, Guitar Man wouldn't be.

I type this hoping you won't judge our marriage or choices.  We are different than most of you.  You are all so freely open and it is such a testament to your faith and willingness to accept church teaching.  We came to all of this late in the game.  I didn't even know about openness to life and vocation and theology of the body until maybe 6 years ago when I was 35.  Then, it took a while for all of  it to sink in.  Guitar Man isn't where I am in all of this either.  And, he thinks he's going to hell for not being open to life when we were younger. That's not going to change his mind about the amount of intervention he's up for.  And even though I'm behind all of you in my spiritual journey, I do know that my marriage comes first and I can't let this tear us apart.

Guitar Man just wants me to be healthy and if a baby results, then great. So, any intervention we would do would be to promote my health.  From my standpoint, I'm not sure if I'm up for an ultrasound series.  It's a 2 hour drive to Peoria so I'd probably have to stay down there for a few days. Then travel for a few days.  That's on top of getting all the blood work done.  There is another person to consider in all this- AJ.  I don't know if I want to drag him to all of this.  Of course a sibling for him would be worth it all and he'd be fine.

The important question is: what is God calling me and Guitar Man to do next?  Right now, I'm very ambivalent about it all.  According to what I've read in The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything, this is a good thing. Lots of prayer and journaling and talking are in order.

I just want to thank you all for your  inspiration and your willingness to share your stories.  I've learned so much about our beautiful faith through your witness.  God Bless you all!

Next up:

Vocation and the whisperings of the Holy Spirit

Letter Update

I emailed the letter regarding the blessing last week to our priests.  When I didn't hear anything during the week, I was afraid they didn't get the email.  I didn't want to be a pain and email them asking them if they received the original email.  And, this week has been so busy that I haven't had time to deliver a hard copy to the church.  Then.... this afternoon I received a phone call from one of our priests.  He left the kindest message that I will probably keep on the voice mail for FOREVER.  He was reworking the blessing and said that he thought that last year's blessing was outdated and inadequate.  I guess they took it from the book of blessings that was published in the 70s.  He ended the message by saying, " I hope the Lord will bless you in your struggle with the gift of life."

Those words just touched me so much.  Coming from a priest, they were balm for my soul.

Thank you Fr. C!  We love you!  Thank you for opening you heart and hearing our cry!